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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
A Melbourne woman lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, she surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend on the Gold Coast.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: "Why the black underwear?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down here I'm still in mourning.
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with is ... a black condom?"
"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
Somewhere in the Middle East....
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver... This world is too cruel for the kind hearted...
"What's your new girlfriend called?" i asked my mate. "It's Clare" he replied, "but everyone calls her Barbie.""Wow! Is that because she's got blonde hair and big tits?" he smiled....I said, "no, it's 'cos she smells of burgers."
The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked.
"Very critical," replied the officer.
"Oh great. What's she complaining about now?" I said.
A heartfelt plea from my friend in America....................
Will someone please give Trump a blow job, so we can impeach him.
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him casually and replied:
'You're never home!'
I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He said, "I haven't seen you for 14 years . What happened?"
I said, "I've been locked up."
He said, "What did you do, commit murder?"
I said, "No, I got married."
My girlfriend found out that I'm married.
"I can't believe this!" she screamed, "We've been together for five years and you didn't think to tell me?"
"I knew it would upset you, So I just didn't say anything."
"How long have you been married for then?" she asked.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told
her: “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” (The doctor says I
should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take
about a month.)
Women are finally being allowed to join the SAS.
About time as well, there's no way those brave lads should be cooking their own meals .
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