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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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News: Apple introduces HomePod device that hears everything you say, knows every answer, and controls your entire home....Shouldn't it be called the iWife?
 

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I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar notes." "What did they look like?" I asked. He said, "Fifty dollar notes."
 

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The company Pfizer, which today announced the vaccine against Covid-19 soon, is the same company that created Viagra.
Therefore, we can fully rely on the announced vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, they should be much more easier too cure the living!!
 

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From 1952 to 1963 the British Government tested nuclear weapons in Australia. That's always puzzled me. Why go all that way when you've got Bradford on your doorstep?
 

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The missus would be absolutely livid with me if she knew what kind of racist and sexist jokes I've been posting here..... Sincerely, Prince Harry
 

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A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
 

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I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism. "What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "$200," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
 

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I got home from taking our son to the park.
"I'm really sorry, love," I sobbed uncontrollably to the wife. "I left Sammy's jacket on the bus."
"That's ok," she laughed. "Why are you so upset?"
I replied, "Because Sammy is still in it."
 

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1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Which one is YOUR favourite?
 
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