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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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I had an affair with a stunning woman once but it didn't last. Not wanting my wife to discover any perfume or make up on me, I told her not to wear any. And then I didn't fancy her anymore.
 

Mavericks Choice

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"I always stir my tea with my left hand",
said the Englishman.
"I always stir my tea with my right hand",
said the Scotsman.
"How about you?" the Irishman was asked.
''Oh me?'' said the Irishman,
''I always use a feckin spoon''
 

Tatiana

We should have sushi Carol
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Oldie but a goodie..
These are clips from an English Council Complaint letters :
1 ) My bush is really overgrown round the front , and my back passage has fungus growing in it ...
2 ) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore ...
3 ) ... it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow ...
4 ) I want some repairs done to my cooker , as it has backfired and burnt my knob off ...
5 ) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly , then he put his foot in the large hole in his back passage ...
6 )...And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence ...
7 ) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off ...
8 ) My lavatory seat is cracked , where do I stand .. ?
9 ) I am writing on behalf of my sink , which is coming away from the wall ...
10 ) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path?
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday , and now she is pregnant ...
11 ) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen ...
12 ) 50% of the walls are damp , 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy ...
13 ) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers ...
14 ) The toilet is blocked , and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared ...
15 ) Will you please send a man to look at my water ; it is a funny colour , and not fit to drink ...
16 ) Our lavatory seat is broken in half , and is now in three pieces
17 ) I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am , his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me ...
18 ) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden , which is unsightly and dangerous ...
19 ) Our kitchen floor is damp ... We have two children and would like a third , so please send someone round to do something about it ...
20 ) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night ...
21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife ...
22 ) I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times , but I still have no satisfaction ...
23 ) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken , and we can't get BBC2 ...
 

Mavericks Choice

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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
 

Tatiana

We should have sushi Carol
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Told my mate that his he looked like a jug of beer, should of seen his face it was a pitcher
 

Mavericks Choice

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My wife is leaving me because I ask for sex far too often.
We're going to see a divorce lawyer tomorrow. The wife says she wants a quickie.
And she's got the cheek to talk about me?..
 

Mavericks Choice

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A woman who was widowed at a very young age was in the store buying groceries one day. And being several months since her husband died, she was feeling a little lonely. She noticed the young boy who was bagging her groceries at the checkout, a strong strapping country boy. And she asked him if he would carry her groceries out to the car for her. On the way out to the car she takes the boy by his arm and whispers in his ear. "I have an itchy pussy." The boy looks her right in they eye and says. "Lady you'll have to point that one out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."
 

Redtaxi

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A middle aged woman dies in hospital and shoots through the pearly gates and meets God who says, what are you doing here? You have another 30 years to live and sends her straight back. She wakes up in hospital and thinks wow, nice to know I've got another 30 years. She thinks I'll make the most of it while I'm her and gets a boob job, face lift, tummy tuck, the works. Walks out of hospital feeling a million bucks. Wham, hit by a bus while crossing the street. Straight back through the pearly gates and she say's to God WTF. God replies, yeh sorry bout that, didn't recognise you.
 

Mavericks Choice

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I got drunk and chatted up this bird down the pub. "You remind me of Bob Dylan," she said. "What?" I replied, "profound and poetic?" "No," she said, "I can hardly understand a word you are saying."
 

Mavericks Choice

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I got home at 3am, steaming drunk, and half a kebab down my shirt. My wife had a fit.I thought "I'll sort her out in the morning. I'm not gonna let her epilepsy ruin my night".
 
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