Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Guys, if you're trying to meet a cool woman, look for a gal out walking her dog.
She's active, clearly has great taste in animals AND she's already prepared to pick up **** off the street - this is your chance:

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I was talking to another coworker by the water cooler one day.
I said, "A mate of mine tried to make a new kind of car.
He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Jaguar, the tyres from a Mazda, and the exhaust system from a Renault..."
The other coworker replied, "Really? What did he get..?"
"Ten years..!" I replied

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My ex said "you remind me of the sea", I asked if it was because I am deep stormy and tempestuous. She said "no, you make me sick "

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I was sitting at the bus stop this morning when this midget girl took a seat next to me and started telling me the latest celebrity gossip and some interesting facts
I thought to myself, "this must be the little bird everyone gets their information from...."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My wife said to me: “You just can’t see the forest through the trees, can you?” “You got that right” I replied, handing her the razor, “I think it’s time you shaved it.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Mick is driving along the road and spots Paddy walking along. He stops and winds down the window, “Paddy, would you like a lift?" “No thanks, Mick. No need ..... I live in a bungalow.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I remember the teacher said to me "The essay you wrote about your dog is word for word the same as your brothers"?
"Of course it is" i said. "Its the same dog"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Paddy walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Scotland. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, his wife walks into the bedroom and sees Paddy packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,
"You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,
"You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said,
"Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said,
"Sure. Put up your own sign."
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack,
"How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign . . . .
NUDIST COLONY
Slow down and watch for chicks !!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too."
Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some ' Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."
Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"SendJohnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"