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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?"
 

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After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
 

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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hr & then she hung up.
"Wow! Said her Dad". That was short, u usually talk for 2 hrs. What happened?.
"Wrong number", the girl replied!
 

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I was visiting a mate when I noticed that in the window of his neighbour, there were 2 blokes standing in the window.
I asked my mate what the go was and he replied, "They're just my neighbours Kurt and Rod...!"
 

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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife".
A voice from the back of the room called out,
"You'll need more ammo"
 

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Have you noticed that most of the cleaning products are either Mr Sheen, Mr Muscle etc..
..and yet women complain Men don't do any cleaning around the house
 

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Two 90 year old men, Micky and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Micky visits him every day. One day Micky says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Micky from his death bed and says: "Micky, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Micky is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Micky... Micky..."
"Who is it?" Asks Micky sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Micky It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Micky.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Micky. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Sunday “
 

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A bus load of Swedish tourists were travelling through the Australian outback when the bus broke down.......
The driver grabbed his tool kit, opened the bonnet and began tinkering with the engine.......
He had all sorts of tools, and was testing every component.....
The prettiest of the tourists was 22 year old Ingrid who claimed to be an apprentice motor mechanic from Stockholm.......
" Do you want a Screwdriver "
" We might as well Ingrid, the bus is fukked and we are going nowhere!!
 
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