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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA.
“I wish I could be shot into space,” he said.
“You would have been if your father had done what he was told” replies his mother!
 

keith reed

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1983 vh v8 sle 2000 vs v8 ute 2012 ve11 redline
When one door opens and another closes you are probably in prison.
To me drinking responsibly means don't spill any.
Age 60 might be the new 40 but 9 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a new day. I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get the the earlier it gets late.
When I say the other day I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
When you ask what i am doing today and I say nothing it doesn't mean I'm free it means I am doing nothing.
I finally got 8 hours sleep, it took 3 days.
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, it's boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, That'll freak you out
 

Mavericks Choice

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One Sunday morning, my wife and I were having a nice quiet breakfast when I suddenly said to her, " When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately.". " Now why would you want me to do that my dear," she replied. "Well, I figured a woman as fine as yourself would remarry one day, and I'd hate some other asshole using some of my stuff." She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole.?
 

Mavericks Choice

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The teacher was telling the kids about the Birds and the Bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest in Heaven.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher,
"Are you sure about the Stork bit, Miss..?
"Cos I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a….
“ Shag in Scarborough!!
 

Mavericks Choice

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A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
 

Mavericks Choice

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I crashed my car this morning on the motorway and had to leave it on the hard shoulder. I phoned up my insurance company and the woman on the phone asked, "Are you in the AA?" I said, "No, but I am concerned I've been drinking too much."
 

Mavericks Choice

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One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.
“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.
“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.
“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.
“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”
“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.
“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”
“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .
“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”
“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.
“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.
“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”
“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”
“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”
This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
 

Mavericks Choice

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Teacher : Who is the President of
Iraq ?
Me : I don't know Miss
Teacher : You need to focus more on
your studies.
Me : Please Miss, can I ask a
question ?
Teacher : Yes.
Me : Do U know Angela ?
Teacher : No, why ?
Me : You need to focus more on your husband...!
 
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