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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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I was at the supermarket and ran into an old friend. I told him that I'm married now and he asked if my wife was out shopping with me. "She is," I said... "Look down that aisle, do you see that absolutely stunning blonde with the firm muscular bum that's looking at the gluten-free yoghurt ?.... .... Well, my wife is that big enormous fat cow lady standing a bit further down!!
 

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Queen Elizabeth and Princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go for help, and while he's gone some scumbags come across the disabled royal couple. "Ain't you the Queen?" She confirms she is. "Where's your tiara?" She tells them she left it at home. " Just my luck! Ain't you the Princess tho?" Kate says, " Yes." "Where's that bloody big Sapphire from your hubby's mum?" She says she left it at home. "BUGGER! I guess we'll just have to take the lovely car then. C'mon now! Out the car! Step lively and keep walking or there'll be hell to pay, you snooty bastards!" They shuffle down the road a bit and the Queen says to Kate, "I know you were wearing your ring! What happened to it?" She replies with a blush, "I hid it... Up there..." pointing to her crotch. The Queen chuckles. Kate says, "But my Queen, I know you were wearing your tiara when we left!" Her Maj confesses that she hid hers too... In the same location. Without a second's hesitation Kate says, "Dammit! If Camilla were here we could've saved the fu**ing Bentley!"
 

Mavericks Choice

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Walking around our town centre I saw a missing cat poster which said:
'Missing from the town centre area:
our 3-year-old cat Tiddles
[IMG]
(pictured).
He is recently neutered, wears a collar with a bell to alert birds, and is on a vegan diet.'
Underneath someone wrote: '
And you're surprised he pissed off?'
 

Mavericks Choice

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I helped my neighbor out with some heavy lifting yesterday and she said to me 'I could marry you!'
I couldn't believe it, you go out of your way to help and be nice and they threaten to ruin your life in return!!
 

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I went to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"
"Yes we do." replied the assistant.
"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?
 

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I called my doctors surgery this morning.
"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "everything in my ear is echoing."
"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"
I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."
 

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Paddy was walking down the road when he seen Sean O'Riley rowing a boat in the middle of a paddock, he calls out to him and says. "O'REILLY it is Irish People like you that give us Irish a bad name, if I could swim I would come out there and kick your arse."
 

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Deep in the forest are two trees growing together. A beech, and a birch.
One day, a small tree begins to grow between them. The birch says to the beech, "Do you think that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The beech says "I don't know if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech."
Just then a woodpecker landed on the small sapling. The birch asked the woodpecker, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Is that tree you're on a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker pecked the sapling a few times then looked up at the birch and the beech. "This sapling is neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech. It is, however, the best piece of ash I've stuck my pecker into before."
 

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The Angel of death came to a Pastor and said, "I am here to take your life"
The Pastor replied, "But I'm not ready!".
The angel of death said, "Well your name is the next on my list".
"Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before you take my life ?".
"All right " replied the angel. Then Pastor gave him some food with sleeping pills in it, the angel finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.
Pastor took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put it at the bottom.
When the angel woke up he said to the Pastor.
"Because you have been so very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list" ...
And that my friends is the story of my life!!
 
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