Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

At 12pm yesterday I finally plucked up the courage to phone Gamblers Anonymous.
They told me to phone back at 20:1.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Andy goes to see a lawyer and tells him,
“My neighbor borrowed $300 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
The Lawyer asks Andy, “Do you have any proof he owes you the money?”
“Not really,” replies Andy. "I thought we were good enough friends and trusted him."
"I see, says the Lawyer.
“Okay, then we will write him a letter, enclosing a stamped addressed return envelope, asking him for the $3,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $300,” replied the man.
“Precisely, replies the Lawyer." "And that’s what I expect he will reply and then we’ll have our proof before taking him to Court!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Paddy said to Mick I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.
She asked "Do you have a nickname?"
I answered "Yes, it's sledge"
"Is it because you are smooth ride?" She giggled.
"No" came my reply, "It's because I'm always being pulled by dogs"

 

[losh1971]

Why did the amputee lose his court case? Because he didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

[losh1971]

I was asking a mate why he became an editor? He replied, well, to cut a long story short!

 

[losh1971]

We have plumbers and all sorts here at work fixing our sewer drains. I got chatting to a workman who was having a winge and said to me "why do I always get the sht jobs on Fridays?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

You ever had one of those days where you feel like your forgetting something. I pulled into the garage, got all the groceries out of the car. As I was walking in the house, my phone started ringing. I said "Hello honey whats up?" She asked "Where are you?" I said "I just got home from Woolworths, why?"
She said "I know, I went with you.."

 

[Skydrol]

*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!*

*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!*

*3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.*

*4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.*

*5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fück! and What a Fück!*

*6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!*

*7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.*

*8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!*

*9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".*

*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.*

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I really was shipwrecked on a remote island once. I was there for five years before I was rescued.
The first responder to reach me was a woman in a tight wet suit. Mother Nature and genes had been very kind to her. She asked how long it had been since I had enjoyed a smoke. I told her, "Five years." She unzipped a pocket on her wet suit and pulled out a waterproof pouch with a wonderful Cuban cigar.
"How long has it been since you've had a drink?" "Five years," was my response. She unzipped another pocket on her wet suit and pulled out a flask of Jack Daniels.
Next, she started to unzip the front of her wet suit as she asked, "How long has it been since you've played around?" I fell to my knees. Tears came to my eyes. I exclaimed, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there, too!!!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.
Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”
Little Amy says, “In my heart!”
Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”
Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.
“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door and yelling ‘Jesus Christ are you still in there?!’”