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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    When I met my wife her breasts were small and in perfect proportion to her body. Now, after twenty five years of marriage her breasts are massive,...and still in perfect proportion to her body.
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Loft

    Three guys are golfing with the club pro.

    First guy tees off and hits a dibbler 60 yards.

    He turns to the pro and asked "what did I do wrong?"

    " Loft" replied the pro.

    The next guy tees of and hits a duck hook into the woods.

    He asked "What did I do wrong?"

    The pro replied "Loft".

    The third guy tees off and hits a slice into the pond.

    He also turned to the pro and asked "What did I do wrong?"

    Again, the answer came back "Loft"

    As they were all walking down the fairway towards their balls the first guy decided to speak up.

    The three of us all hit different shots and when we asked what we we had done wrong, on each occasion you gave exactly the same reply.

    What is "Loft?'

    The pro replied "LACK OF FUKKING TALENT"
     
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  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The sky was dark
    the moon was high
    all alone
    just her and I
    Her hair so soft
    her eyes so blue
    I knew just what
    she wanted to do
    Her skin so soft
    her legs so fine
    I ran my fingers
    down her spine
    I didn't know how
    but I tried my best
    to place my hand
    on her breast
    I remember my fear
    my fast beating heart
    but slowly she spread
    her legs apart
    And when she did
    I felt no shame
    as all at once
    the white stuff came
    At last it was finished
    it's all over now,
    my first time ever
    ...milking a cow
     
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    This woman gets knocked over by a car. The driver gets out and runs over to the woman and says "Are you alright love".
    The woman says "Everything is blurred, I must be going blind".
    The driver leans over the woman in order to check her eyesight and says "How many fingers have I got up".
    The woman screams " MY GOD! I MUST BE PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN".
     
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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big fella comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big fella says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "Fuk me," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big fella knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big fella and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fella off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from B&Q.
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    English humour, what can I say! Besides not their fault they are
    different! Born in isolation on a tiny Island will do it!
    Camila, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her
    wedding. That night, when the celebration was over and they
    retired to their room, She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles
    darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me." Her
    ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe
    would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
    Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody
    tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it
    released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
    "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
    In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
    "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
    Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
    "Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
    At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He
    served in the Navy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral.
     
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  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A weeping woman burst into her hypnotherapist’s office and declared, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

    The hypnotherapist shook his head. “Not again …”
     
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  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  9. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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    What about a little joke.

    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Sister Bernadette lived in a convent a few hundred yards from Wayne's liquor store. One day she went in and asked Wayne for a bottle of brandy.
    He said, "I'm sorry, Sister Bernadette, I can't sell brandy to a nun."
    "But it's for the Mother Superior," she explained. "It helps with her constipation."
    Hearing this, Wayne relented and sold her the brandy. On his way home that night, he saw Sister Bernadette staggering drunkenly along the road.
    "Sister Bernadette!" he exclaimed. "Shame on you! You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior constipation."
    "And so it is," said Sister Bernadette. "When she sees the state I'm in, she's going to **** herself!"
     
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  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
    "I think my penis is too small" he says.
    The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
    "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.
    "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers.
    You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
    Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big
    smile on his face.
    He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
    "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
    "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!
     
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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

    This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.

    After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

    ü The stamp is in perfect order.

    ü There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

    ü People are spitting on the wrong side.
     
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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The pope goes to America and gets picked up at the airport by a Cadillac Limo with the windows blacked out. After a while, the driver hears a rapping on the glass partition and winds it down.

    'You know, since I was a little boy I've always dreamed of driving a Caddy,' says the pope.

    Not wanting to refuse a request by God's representative on Earth, the driver pulls over and they swap places.

    The pope has a wonderful time screaming down the freeway at 100mph, but it's not long before blue lights pull the car over. The policeman has words, then returns to his vehicle and gets on the radio.

    'Dispatch - you better get me the chief' he whispers.

    'Roger that.'

    A pause.

    'Chief here. What's up?'

    'I've just pulled somebody over and I think they're quite important and I don't know what to do,' whispers the policeman.

    'You haven't pulled over the mayor again have you?'

    'No, I think they're more important than the mayor.'

    'The governor?'

    'No, I think they're more important than the governor.'

    'Oh my god! You haven't pulled over the president have you?'

    'No, I think they're more important than the president.'

    'WHAT? How can anyone possibly be more important than the president of the United States?'

    'I dunno, but he's got the Pope as his fukin chauffeur...'
     
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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I walked into my 12 year old son's room and caught him browsing porn sites. "What the hell are you doing you stupid boy!" I shouted, "Use Google Chrome not Internet Explorer!"
     
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  15. ephect

    ephect Donating Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Dementia Test !
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
    As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert.
    If you don’t use it, you will lose it !!!

    Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
    Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

    Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not.

    The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve answered.

    OK, RELAX, clear your mind and begin.






    #1. What do you put in a toaster ?



















    Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.

    And, try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question #2.







    # 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink ?



















    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

    Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.

    Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.

    However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.













    # 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?























    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.



    If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading
    this ???PLEASE, go lie down !









    But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.











    # 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:



    You are driving a bus from Ahmedabad to Surat.

    In Maninagar , 17 people got on the bus.

    In Kaira, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

    In Nadiad,2 people get off and 4 get on.

    In Anand , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

    In Vadodara, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.

    And, in Bharuch , 6 people get off and 3 get on.



    You then arrive at Surat Station.





    Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?


























    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud !







    Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!







    If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.



    PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

    Sorry for all the spaces. You'd be tempted to cheat otherwise. If you had fun with this, send it on; I did.
     
  17. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A man was so paranoid about the size of his 'Willy' that he could never work up the courage to have Sex.

    Then one day he fell in love with a Nurse.

    One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom.

    Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

    “Don't worry," She said. "I'm a Nurse. I won't laugh.”

    Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said.

    "I've seen lots smaller than that One"..

    "Really??" the relieved man asked.

    She nodded. "Yes, I used to work in the Maternity Ward," she chuckled.
     
  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    My mates Mrs said she was going out for a pint of milk over a week ago and has not come back !!
    I asked him how he was coping and he said not bad he was using the powdered stuff
     
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