Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

What do condoms and cameras have in common?
Both capture moments of joy.

 

[Skydrol]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard Paddy, her husband’s key in the door:
"Stay where you are." She said. "He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me."
Paddy lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
Paddy turned to his wife. "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?"
"You’re so drunk you miscounted." Said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
Paddy climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four.
Aye, you’re feckin right."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, " What Lobsters?"

 

[Dayvo]

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
'BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex?...

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Some woman pulled up outside my garage and I said, "your timing is off love."
"You can tell that without looking under the bonnet??"
"No, we're closed."

 

[Dayvo]

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my Dad to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life ,be happy because time flies.
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, took me to say goodbye to the dead person!

When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had nightmares for years, I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.

It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The dead bastard had a twin!

Live, love and enjoy life

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The Tokyo Olympics should be abandoned because drug abuse is rife.
It became immediately obvious at the opening ceremony, when the athletes started waving to the crowd in an empty f++king stadium!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right & exercise...
But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger & full of hope!