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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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So I've just finished converting my van to electric.
I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer.
It wouldn't start at first, then I realised I hadn't shut the door properly!!.
 

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The family dog has been very aggressive lately.
My son suggested getting his balls chopped..
I don't know what good that has done. Now I have an aggressive dog and a son with no bollocks!!
 

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I refereed a woman's football match yesterday it was brilliant, I booked two for muttering under their breath,one for giving me the silent treatment, and i sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what the feck she'd done wrong !
 

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The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out of the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked" Oh mon dieu, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American savage should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window.'!!
 

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Little Tommy asked his mother: “who did I get my intelligence from”?
His mother replies; “it must be from your father 'cause I still have mine”
 

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A 57 year old scruffy man who is the pm [ boris johnson ] and looks like a scarecrow is going to be a Dad again to his 33 year old wife.
Sources confirmed that Dominic Cummings and Matt Hancock are wanting a DNA test once the child is born to find out who the child's biological father really is.
 

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Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." replied the salesman.
Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Bill then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." came the familiar reply.
Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Bill was on a roll and agreed.
The salesman eyed Bill's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a- half?"
Bill was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." said the salesman again. Bill tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Bill laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
 

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The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
 

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A man is watching a movie on television with his wife.
The wife says, "That Angelina Jolie is very attractive?" The man thinks about it, being careful to not to jump to the answer too soon. "Yeah, I guess you can say she is." They go back to watching the film. The guy is comforted that nothing came of that loaded question.
Six years later, the same couple are having breakfast. The man, sitting at the kitchen table, asks, "Can I have another egg?" The wife, standing at the stove, turns and angrily yells, "Why don't you ask Angelina Jolie to make you your egg if she's so bloody beautiful?"
 
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