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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
    "That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
    "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
    "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
    "Baaaaa..."
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    What’s your name?”, asked the teacher.
    “Mohammad,” he replied.
    “You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Mike.
    ” Mohammad returned home after school.
    “How was your day, Mohammad?”, his mother asked.
    “My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
    “Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”
    And his mother beat the **** out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the **** out of him again.
    The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
    “What happened to you, Mike?”, she asked.
    “Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f***g Arabs.”
     
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  3. BlackVXGTS

    BlackVXGTS Well-Known Member

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    Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.
    As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those." The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
    Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
    A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

    Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"!

    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

    Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. "Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday"!

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

    Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different - 3 years ago I went to Spain and Jane got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Jane got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Jane got pregnant.
    Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year? Paddy replies - I'll take her with me.

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
    and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
    Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
    They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
    'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
    Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.'
    'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
    'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

    Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
    His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
    Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
    The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A farmer goes to a market and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose,the farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn,i walked here.how am I going to carry all this home?"

    The market dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

    "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Brighedown Lane?"

    The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

    The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

    She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
     
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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
     
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  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A tourist couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
    While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

    The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
    The husband's eyebrows lifted.
    The deadly chase was recorded.

    Click below.....
     
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  8. VS_Pete

    VS_Pete Donating Member

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    nice didn`t want it to die lol
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh me, boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 at a poker game, and he's afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "Right. I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
     
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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A very rich & attractive blonde from Scotland.
    buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car.

    She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all.

    After trying to drive the car at night for a
    week (but without any luck), she furiously
    calls the Jaguar dealer, and they send out a technician to her.

    The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
    So he turns to the Linda and asks: "Madam, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

    Full of anger, Linda replies:
    "You Stupid man, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know!
    Of course I am using the right gears;

    I use "D" during the day and "N" at night."!!
     
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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    At one Catholic Church in Nebraska, they have monthly marriage seminars for husbands. At the last session, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands. "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend d money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for our 5th anniversary!" The priest responded. "Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied. "I gonna go pick her up "
     
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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

    Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he ...would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. "

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
    spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

    "And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    After my recent Prostate Exam at t he General Hospital ,
    which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had,
    the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

    As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

    She said...."Who Was That guy?"
     
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  17. commodore665

    commodore665 expat Saffa

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    When they place both hands on your shoulders during the exam, that’s when I start to worry
     
  18. VS_Pete

    VS_Pete Donating Member

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    Are you sure your going to the right place?
    They recommend no alcohol beforehand.:p
     
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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    My grandmother has always been such an inspiration to me.
    She has crippling arthritis making it impossible to turn her neck, she is too weak to lift a mug of tea from a table, has cataracts in both eyes preventing her from seeing her hand in front of her face, suffers from incontinence and is prescribed treatment which induces nausea and dizziness.
    Through all that she turns to me this morning and said 'Always look on the bright side son .... At least I can still drive.'
     
  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

    "But", she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

    The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

    The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"



    He replied, "Yes, yes, you'll be fine.



    It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
     

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