Joke of the Day

[hademall]

A guy goes to the zoo with his elephant and tells the Ring Master that his elephant f@#ks cats.
The Ring Master was doubtful of the mans claims and so asked that the circus cat be brought immediately.
When the cat was brought to him, he said to the man with the elephant “okay then, let’s see if what you claim is true”
So the man put the cat on the ground in front of the elephant, and to the horror of the Ring Master
the elephant immediately stomped on the cat!
And the man said “there you go, thats f@#ked!”

 

[Rocketeer]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a group of four men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physio-therapist and I can relieve your pain, if you'd allow me."

"Oh, no, I'll be all right in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside, administering a tender and artful massage for several long moments. "Now, how does that feel?"

”Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken.”

 

[Rocketeer]

There's a space mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman on board.
Control calls, "Monkey number one to the monitor."
The monkey is instructed to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four and release oxygen to the reactors.
The monkey does everything right away.

A few moments later Control calls again "Monkey two to the monitor"
The second monkey is instructed to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyse and transmit solar radiation readings. The monkey does as instructed.

Few minutes later, Houston calls again "Woman, please approach the screen."
She sits down and immediately interrupts the dispatcher: "I know, I know, feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything."

 

[Rocketeer]

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows".
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world".
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations".
The woman looks at him sternly and says: "What the **** do you want ********?"
"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face... "Qantas Airways!".

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I went to the doctor and asked, “What’s the best exercise to lose weight?”
He said, “Just shake your head.”
I said, "How often?"
He says, “Every time someone offers you food you fat bastard.”

 

[Skydrol]

Be careful with online purchases, my friend bought a penis enlarging equipment for $250 USDs and all he got was a magnifying glass! The only instruction with it states that do not use in direct sunlight.

 

[hademall]

My wife had her credit card stolen two weeks ago.
I haven’t reported it to the Police, because the thief has been using it less than she was!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

AIDS WARNING!
To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

 

[hademall]

I’ve got a mate who gets paid good money to advertise well known brand names by having them tattooed on his body, Nike, Puma, Fred Perry etc.
The other day he told me he’d had another tattoo of a famous brand put on his penis, and when I doubted him he showed me it!
I was astonished to see the letters A I D S!
I said “why would you get aids tattooed on your knob?”
To which he replied “no no no, when I get an erection it says ADIDAS!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I was at the cinema with my Thai girlfriend, watching a film, when she offered me some popcorn from the box on her lap...I said, "I'm not falling for that one again!"