Joke of the Day

[hademall]

Whilst in the waiting room at the doctors today, the doctor came in and said, “due to the new privacy regulations, we can no longer use patients names in the waiting room, so will the person with the itchy penis please come with me”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little
woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Rick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch. What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken-****."

 

[Rocketeer]

Guy walks into a bar........

Customer: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Okay, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure.How much is that?
Bartender: $3
Customer: There you go. So, what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. ...........No spaces, all lowercase.

 

[Rocketeer]

Excuse the language...

In an asylum, a sadist, a zoophile, an arsonist, a psychopath, a necrophilliac, and a masochist were chatting.
The sadist said "It's a nice day, let's find a cat and torture it."
The zoophile said "Let's find a cat, torture it, and **** it. "
The arsonist said "Let's find a cat, torture it, **** it and set fire to it."
The psychopath said "Let's find a cat, torture it, **** it, set fire to it, and kill it. "
The necrophiliac said "Let's find a cat, torture it, **** it, set fire to it, kill it, and **** it again."
They all look at the masochist and say "Well, what do YOU think?"
The masochist says "Meow".

 

[Rocketeer]

Old man 1: We went to a great restaurant last night.
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower ?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: Yes that's it. .................Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

[Rocketeer]

Radio exchanges between pilots and control tower

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I have the little Fokker in sight."
*************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f-ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!"
*************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are unable, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
*************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
*************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
*************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
*************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[Rocketeer]

South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.

His first overseas trip was a holiday in Australia, he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,

"What are all those little black things out there?

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

What a great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed

"We'd never get away with that at home!

 

[Rocketeer]

The Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.


But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.


He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'


The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'


So, the elder went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.


A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


The meteorologist again replied, 'Yep, it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The elder went back to his tribe and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. Hey, 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?.


'Absolutely,' the guy replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'


'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.


The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

 

[hademall]

Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people,”The good news is we got them down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still one of them.”