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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it??
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!!.
 

hademall

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A man says to God, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says, “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God replies, “So she would love you.”
 

Redtaxi

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1631944909001.png
 

Mavericks Choice

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It was my wife's birthday and she looked at the gift I got her and fumed, "What the hell is this ?" "Sorry, sorry," I stammered nervously, "I know you talked about maybe finally trying to lose weight, so to help you track your progress I got you some scales !" "I know that !" she stormed... "But this one is meant to weigh livestock !
 

UTE042_NZ

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ephect

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I take Viagra for sunburn, it's doesn't cure it, but I keeps the sheet off my legs
 

Rocketeer

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
 
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