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Joke of the Day

Rocketeer

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A dapper gent in his mid eighties walked into an upscale cocktail lounge, he was freshly groomed and scented with expensive after-shave.
With a boutonniere in the lapel of his charcoal double-breasted suit, he presented quite the debonair image.

Seating himself next to a lovely younger lady in her mid seventies, he offered to buy her a drink and inquired, “So tell me dear, do I come here often?"
 

Mavericks Choice

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I said to the checkout girl, "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?"
"No, they haven't," she smiled.
"Well " I said, "there's always tomorrow."
 

Rocketeer

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As most of us can probably agree, buying a product that doesn’t live up to its promise is incredibly annoying.
And when this happens, there are two ways to deal with it.

One is to just bin it, move on and never buy it again.

Then there’s the other, which is to unleash hell on earth on the product sellers in the form of an internet review.

Because no one is bolder or more irate than a disgruntled online shopper.

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‘After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

‘Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

‘I ordered it well in advance and, working in the North Sea, I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…

‘Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

‘I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

‘At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

‘Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

‘Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

‘Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen. By this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

‘I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

‘Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

‘I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open, trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

‘This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

‘This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

‘The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

‘Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…’Ooooh, that feels good’.

‘Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream. As I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

‘I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status.

‘So to sum it up: Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…’
 
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Mavericks Choice

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.
The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real prick."
 

hademall

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Guy with a stutter goes into a pet shop.
“How mmmuch is the r-r-red pa pa pa pa parrot?”
Shopkeeper says “fifty dollars sir”
“Ow ow ow m m much is the yer yer yer yellow one?”
Shopkeeper says “eighty dollars sir”
“Ow ow owowow mer mer mer mer much is th th th the ber b ber ber b ber blue one wi wi with the per p per p per p per pink head?”
Shopkeeper says “four hundred dollars sir”
“Fer f fer f fer f fer f fer four hun hun hun hun hundred d d d d d dollars!!!” “Ca ca ca can it ter t ter t ter t ter speak?”
Shopkeeper says “better than you fecking can sir!”
 

Rocketeer

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The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"
 
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