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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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My wife left me because of my obsession with the Police force. My four sons Victor Oscar, Mike and Charlie have been very supportive. However, my two eldest children Romeo and Juliet won't talk to me about it?
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Mavericks Choice

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Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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Mavericks Choice

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I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
 

Mavericks Choice

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Just seen the amazing news about the first time a pigs heart has been transferred into a human being. Wonder if he considered using any other pig parts ? He may as well have gone the whole hog.
 

Mavericks Choice

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During the holiday season I was determined not to gain weight, so I promised myself I would not visit my favorite bakery-cafe for a whole month. I even altered my drive to work to avoid passing the spot.
However, one day there was a traffic jam and I forgot and accidentally drove by the bakery. There in the window I saw the yummy pastries I loved.
Since nothing happens by accident, I prayed as I slowed down. "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so good!
 

hademall

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I went to my doctor and told him I needed to lose 7 kilos of ugly fat.
He suggested I cut off my head!
 

Rocketeer

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A lawyer representing a wealthy art dealer called him and said “Saul, I have good and bad news for you”
The art dealer replied, “I’ve had a terrible day, give me the good news first.”

“Well”, he said, “ I met with your wife yesterday and she told me she had bought two pictures for $5000 and she thinks they might be worth $5 - 10 million !”

“Fantastic woman, my wife, and a very smart businesswoman too!” said the art dealer. “What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer replied, “the pictures are of you banging your secretary”
 

Rocketeer

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Air traffic control

"An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.

I grabbed his mobile phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!”

He then began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re
traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The **** in my pants is running up my back and out of my ******* shirt collar.”
 
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