Joke of the Day

[Skydrol]

Whatever next! deep fried chicken feathers?

That is a joke, the Babylon Bee is a parody site

 

[UTE042_NZ]

Someone should let them know that jokes are supposed to be funny. None of theirs are.

 

[Skydrol]

Some are, depending on your funny bone. Comedy is a funny thing, some people like one style, some like others.

 

[Dayvo]

Inventor of the clock: There will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: So the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: No, 24

Friend: So the day will start at 1?

Inventor: The day will start at 12… at night

Friend: oh

Inventor: The 6 means 30

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A little boy asks his father "what is politics?" Dad says, well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister. Your mother is the government. We are here to care for YOUR needs, so we will call you the people. The nanny, we consider her the working class and your baby brother, we will call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents room & find his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole & sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed, the next morning, the little boy says to his father, dad I think I understand the concept of politics now. The father says good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. The little boy replies, the Prime Minister is screwing the working class, while the Government is fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep ****.

 

[vc commodore]

THE greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country road late one night when his rig broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance so wandered towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.
“G’day,” he said, “I’m the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has just broken down. Can I stay at your place for the night?
“I dunno,” replied the farmer, “there’s only two rooms, one for me and the missus, and one for my 18-year-old daughter.”
“Look, mate, I’m the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night. I won’t touch your daughter,” said the truckie. The farmer agreed to let the driver share a bed with his girl, and took him up to the room.
At four in the morning, the farmer heard grunts and groans in the next room. He got up and looked in, and there was the greatest truck driver in the world HehHehHehHehing his daughter.
The farmer went downstairs and loaded his shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the barrel straight up the greatest truck driver in the world’s arsehole.
“Alright, HehHehHehHehwit!” snarled the farmer. “If you’re the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load!”


A truckdriver pulls into a Brothel in the middle of the outback, he stumps up to the front counter where he is met by the madam. He pulls out $400 and drops it on the counter, he says to the madam "i'll have you fattest girl, and a vegemite sandwich". The madam is astounded and proceed to tell the man for that sort of money he could have the prettiest girl and a cooked meal from the truckstop, he repeats his request for the bigest lass she can find and a vegemite sandwich. The madam is slightly taken a back but tries again saying she could probably even organise 2 girls and a roast at the pub for that sort of money, the truck driver is starting to get agitated now and repeats his original request for a third time, the madam tries one last time and offers him 3 girls and a smorgasboard at the only restaurant in town. By now the truckie has had it and yells at the woman " for f**ks sake woman, i'm homesick not horny".

 

[vc commodore]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry; it's entirely my fault! Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

 

[vc commodore]

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! "Ain't dat grand!"
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty lil ting, too...
"Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we aint got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"
Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception...."
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat 3-in-1 oil." She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..." Murph said, "I'll tell you... it's a HehHehHehHehing good thing we didn't use WD-40".

 

[vc commodore]

A husband reluctantly buys his ungrateful wife a car for christmas."I dont like it" she moans."I want something that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds you ********!!He comes back with a set a of scales "stand on that you fat c*nt!!"


A bloke goes up to a fat chick in a pub. He asks if she's got a pen. She answers him "Yes! As a matter of fact I do".
He comes back with "Does the farmer know you've got out?"


When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen

"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the dog"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A question about the Traffic Rules..
When driving up behind cyclists riding three abreast along a busy road, do you have to make do with taking out the one on the outside or are you allowed to swerve and run over all three of the bastards