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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
    He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
    After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."...
    After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
    A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said:
    "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan!!
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    God and Adam

    God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me."

    Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"

    God Said, "go down into that Valley."

    Adam said, "What's a valley.?"

    God explained it to him.

    Then God said, "cross the river."

    Adam said, "what's a River.?"

    God explained that to him, and then said,
    "go over to the hill...."

    Adam said, "what is a hill.?"

    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

    He told Adam, "on the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

    Adam said, 'what's a cave.?'

    After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

    Adam said, "what's a woman.?'

    So, God explained that to him, too.

    Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

    Adam said, "how do I do that?"

    God first said (under his breath)
    "Geez...."

    And just like everything else, God explained reproduce to him.

    So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the woman.

    Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

    God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it Now?"

    And Adam said....

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    "What's a Headache?"
     
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  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.:
    When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian,“and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian... was stunned : “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away” : St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. ”Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
    he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
    ”This isn’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” It’s not so bad, replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
    You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” Never,” replies Brian. “Well just relax and let it happen.” And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
    time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
    “Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting in the bed.”
     
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  5. ephect

    ephect Donating Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know
    a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic
    tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
    too!"
     
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  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A policeman pulled me over yesterday. "I couldn't help but notice you swerving all over the road, sir. Would you mind telling me how much you've had to drink?" "Oh I'm sorry officer, it was my dog acting up. It won't happen again."
    The policeman glanced over to the dog in the passenger seat, "That's a nice dog you've got there. What kind is he?"
    "He's a guide dog." I said...
     
  8. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.
    As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
    Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
    Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
    The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
    Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
    Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
    Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
    The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
    Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
    The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
     
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  10. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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    Have anybody tried Wookiee meat?
    I heard that is chewy.
     
  11. ephect

    ephect Donating Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

    Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

    One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!

    "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.

    "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."

    Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"

    "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.

    The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
     
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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Two elderly residents, an old sailor and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
    The old sailor looked over and said to the old lady, 'I know just what you're wanting. For £5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.'
    The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
    The old sailor continued, 'For £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there.
    But for £20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.'
    The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.
    She pulls out a wrinkled £20 bill and holds it up.
    'So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,' says the old sailor.
    'Get serious,' she replies. ' I want it Four times in the rocker!'
     
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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I met a girl in the park the other evening.

    There was an instant spark between us & she immediately dropped to her knees & laid on the grass at my feet.

    As we lay making love, I thought . . .

    "These Taser guns are well worth the money."
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
    The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"
    Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
    "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
    "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
    "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
    "Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
    "GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
    "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
    "I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "
    That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
    "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
    "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
    "PAY you? and if I refuse?"
    "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
    "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
    "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
     
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The strangest thing happened to me last night...I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it. To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.

    That's the last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips...
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Crashed my car today and ended up between two houses. In the left house lived Mr and Mrs Smith and in the right house lived Mr and Mrs Ball. Luckily I was dragged out by the Smiths!!
     
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  19. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  20. ephect

    ephect Donating Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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