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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A man took his dog to the vet and asked him to cut off the dog's tail.
    "Why do you want to do that?" asked the vet. "His tail is perfectly healthy"
    "I know," said the man. "But my wife's mother is arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome....
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Family Gathering

    There was a family gathering, with all generations around
    Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself, because he had to go to the bathroom for a pee. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.
    'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.
    'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. I took my penis out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
     
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  3. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
    To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
    Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
    'Very good', says the teacher.
    Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
    'Excellent.'
    Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
    'I had Fuk all', he says, ' F-U-C-K-A-L-L'.
    The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer
    Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
    Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.

    Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
    When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
    Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
    Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
    That's why I got fuk all for breakfast’
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    In Australian outback, this dog rough boozer is full of miners and Shepards. A dog ugly woman jumps up on a table and drunkenly roars out." If any of you men can guess my weight, you can take me home and shag me senseless". One lad shouts, "about a ton"!! As the pub laughs she responds " that's near enough, ya lucky bastard"
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to

    the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

    He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar

    and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,

    "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10

    which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,

    and you can't make a face while doing it."

    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

    You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.

    You have to take care of that problem."

    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!

    You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,

    "Where's the damn tequila?!"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream

    down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

    Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a

    terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.

    His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    An old maid was held up in a dark alley.
    She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.
    "I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."
     
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  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I recently went to see my psychiatrist. He's finally come to the conclusion that I'm psycho-ceramic. I said "What does that mean?".........He said "You're potty"
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    HOLY PROSTITUTES

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES

    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

    Soon he sees another sign which reads:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES

    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
    On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
    'What may we do for you, son?'
    He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

    'Very well son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
    The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
    'Please knock on this door.'
    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

    This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

    The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

    GO IN PEACE.
    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
    THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
     
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  10. Gotta_Drive_1

    Gotta_Drive_1 Member

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    Two Aussies are driving down the road in the outback when they notice a ewe with its head stuck in the fence and a kiwi gentleman screwing its brains out. They sing out " shouldn't you be shearin that mate" he replies; "I'm not shearin her with no one bro"
     
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  11. Gotta_Drive_1

    Gotta_Drive_1 Member

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    Driving instructor says to a kiwi during a driving test; can you make a "U" turn. He replies; " I can make her eyes pop"
     
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  12. Gotta_Drive_1

    Gotta_Drive_1 Member

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    A woman walks into a police station and says she has just been raped by 5 Aussies. Police officer asks how she knows it was 5 Australians?? She replies; "well I had to do all the work!"
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”
    The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”
    “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just nick it!”
     
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  14. Gotta_Drive_1

    Gotta_Drive_1 Member

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    A kiwi and an irish man are driving down the road and spot a ewe with its head stuck in a fence. Kiwi jumps out of the car, runs into the paddock and serves up the ewe. He comes back to the car and tells Paddy its his turn. Paddy sheepishly walks through the paddock to the ewe, drops his pants.....
    Then sticks his head in the fence!!!
     
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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I called into the photographers today to pick up some photos I'd taken of my wife naked.
    "Would you like the negatives?" Asked the guy as he handed me the package.
    "Yes please!" I replied.
    He said, "Your wife's got saggy Tits and a fat Arse."
     
  16. Gotta_Drive_1

    Gotta_Drive_1 Member

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    Three men driving down the road, Aussie, Jew and Indigenous. They had a car accident and all got killed!.. About 3 weeks later the Aussie was sitting in the pub and his mate came in and was shocked to see him. "I thought you and the other two got killed in the car accident?" We did but when we got to heaven God said it was all full but for $50 he would put us back on earth to continue our lives. Wow said his mate, that's fantastic but where are the other two??..

    Well he said.... when I left the Jew had God down to $27.50 and the indigenous reckoned the Government should pay for it!!!
     
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Fire services in Paris have found a suspicious package in Notre Dame Cathedral, but it just contained a Cheese and Tomato sandwich, a packet of crisps, an apple and a carton of orange juice
    It was the Lunchpack of Notre Dame.
     
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  18. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  19. Gotta_Drive_1

    Gotta_Drive_1 Member

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    Old drunk sleeps on the same bench every night.. one morning he wakes up and a punk rocker with multi coloured mohawk is sitting on the end of the bench... He wipes his eyes a couple of times while staring at the punk... punk says " what? You never done anything WILD mate"?? Old drunk keeps staring at him absolutely amazed at the hairdo and without hesitation says... " I think I may have f@#$#d a parrot once"
     
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  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, "Where the **** did you get her from son? She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!"

    I replied, "There"s no need to whisper Dad. She's deaf as well!"
     

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