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Joke of the Day

vc commodore

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1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not..

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away..
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 

vc commodore

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THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful

younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word..

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.
 

Mavericks Choice

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VF2 SSV M6, VF2 LS3 Calais V, VZ 6L M6 Crewie
The plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence... 'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all freakin' same!'
 

hademall

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VF CALAIS WAGON
The plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence... 'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all freakin' same!'
I asked the Chinese waiter were there any Chinese Jews? He said “no, we only have pineapple juice, grapefruit juice, orange juice..............”
 

vc commodore

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The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,........
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 
Last edited:

vc commodore

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Psychic Daughter

A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye
grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it
just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
 

vc commodore

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A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quarduple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he has had.
The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "
The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance."
Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "
The patient replied "No money in the bank ".
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative who be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ? "
The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly "Nuns are not spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted "Then send the bill to my brother in law.'"
 

vc commodore

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Best PMS Question Ever.


Q:
How many women withPMSdoes it take to change a light Bulb?



Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this f*ck'n house knows HOW to change a f*ck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the f*ck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f*ck'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f*ck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME F*CK'N SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER F*CKIN'PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F*CK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F*CK'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F*CK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?
 

vc commodore

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Hope you like this one. Very popular in Ireland, Scotland and Wales!



A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's **** an pish!'

The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me'?

The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!
 
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