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Joke of the Day

vc commodore

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One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical manufacturing plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire brigades from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company Manager rushed to the Captain and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the office near the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the brigade that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off. Soon more fire brigades from towns all around the area had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the new crews arrived, the Manager shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the brigade who could bring out the company's secret files and handed them a plan of the complex showing their location.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another appliance came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer brigade composed mainly of old farmers.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire truck, operated by a couple of the local cockies, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers on the back of the Acco began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the farmers had extinguished the fire and with some assistance over the radio from the company Manager, they also managed to save the secret formulas.

The grateful Manager joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $250,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters on the old tanker.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said the 70 year old Captain, "the first thing we’re gunna do is fix the bloody brakes on that truck!
 

vc commodore

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This was written by a black gentleman in Texas. What a great sense of humor
And creativity!!!
When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?
 

vc commodore

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A woman applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too
qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any
actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Pajero and I voted
for Scott Morrison."
 

vc commodore

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Australia's radio game
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning
show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is
possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match"?
>>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
>>Contestant: "Brian."
>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>>Brian: "Yes."
>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
>>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
>>Brian: "Sarah."
>DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
>>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
>>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>>Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>>Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
>>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
>>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
>DJ: "Uh huh..."
>>Brian: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>>Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

>DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? (touch tones.....ringing....)

>>>Clerk: "Kinkos."
>DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>>>Clerk: "This is she."
>DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
>>>Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo.. do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
>>>Sarah: "No."
>DJ: "Good!"
>>Brian: (laughing)
>>>Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>>Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
>DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
>>>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
>>>Sarah: "Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
>DJ: "What time?"
>>>Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>>>Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You're a question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
>>>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>DJ: "Where did you have it?"
>>>Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
>>Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
>>>Sarah: "Well..."
>DJ: Come on Sarah..... where did you have it?
>>>Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
 

Rocketeer

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Wife calls her scientist husband. "Honey! Its Saturday night you are late."

Husband : " I am busy with my team in an experiment."

Wife : "What's that experiment?"

Scientist Husband : "We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2.
To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine.
It's 4 or 5 round experiment. So I will be late."

Wife : "Oh dear. I won't disturb you. You take your time."


Clarifications :
* C2H5OH (ethanol)
* H2O(water)
* CO2(soda)
* Solidified H2O(ice)
* Protein(chicken tikka)
* Fumigating (smoking)
 

Rocketeer

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1652612609021.png
 

Mavericks Choice

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I appreciate that I’m getting older and things like my hearing are letting me down, but I must say I’m quite worried about my family insisting that I go into a gnome. I hate those small guys with their green pointy hats!!..
1f61c.png
1f602.png
 

losh1971

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Mate of mine was pulled over by the police last week. He was on the West Tamar Highway doing 160kph. He tried to outrun the police but they sent in the chopper. It was then he knew the game was over.....

So my mate sits in his car while the officer gets out and comes up to his window. The officer asked the reason why he tried to evade?

My Mate said, "well you see officer, my wife run off with a copper, 12 months ago, and I thought you was bringing her back".....
 

Mavericks Choice

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Me mate Paddy has just bought a Smart car
It wont let him in,,,
 
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