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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, the teacher was concerned and asked, "What's wrong?"
"Our house is very small, me, my mum, and my dad we sleep on the same bed. Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' When I said No, he slapped my face and gave me a Black eye."
Teacher said, "The next time when your dad asks if you're sleeping, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning Johnny comes back with two black eyes.
The teacher by now very worried asked,"My god, why have you now got two black eyes? I thought I told you to say nothing."
Johnny Replied, "Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, you know at the same time mum was breathing all funny, kicking her legs up in the air and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, 'Are you coming?' Mom said, 'Yes I'm coming, are u coming too?' Dad answered, 'Yes!'
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "Wait for me, I'm coming too..."
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Tommy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £10 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £20 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The postman immediately drops the post, opens his arms, and says:
"Then come give your daddy a great big hug"
I had an uncle who stole 100 pairs of trainers from a sports shop. He was on the run for 27 years.
I went to the doctors and I said "I can't sleep at night, I keep thinking about Chinese food."
He said "It sounds like dimsumnia."
My wife got back from shopping and said to me: "I spent 10 minutes trying to unlock someone else's car earlier. I swear, sometimes I think I'm retarded, haha!" "Don't worry, I do that all the time!" I replied. "What? Mix up our car with a different one?" she said. "No, think you're retarded."
I spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes, The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but i failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, Whatever you wish for, your Husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also
make your Husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your Husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
ATTENTION: female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
Veteran rockers Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry were arrested earlier today after breaking into an animal shelter over night and releasing all the Doberman pinschers. Police say that now have proof that The Who let the dogs out
Caution before taking kids to work...
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?
Why can't two women play monopoly together
There's only one iron
Despite her size, I was able to push my wife off the train tracks - seconds before the train shot past. I can just see the headline now:
"Man saves hundreds in potential train derailment
Separate names with a comma.