Joke of the Day

[vc commodore]

Would You marry Again? - Priceless

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:"Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:(makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:"Sure,
it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:"Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:"That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"****."

 

[vc commodore]

At the wedding reception

someone yelled...



"Would all the married men,
please stand next to the one person

who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost

crushed to death

 

[vc commodore]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat," agreed to look after her
neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the
ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied!

 

[vc commodore]

Dear Frank,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I
am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years. When
I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an
affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since
I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go
to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you
please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila




Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Frank

 

[vc commodore]

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

 

[vc commodore]

A Dublin Doctor wanted to go fishing,so he approached his apprentice Doctor.

"Murphy, I am goin' fishing tomorrow, and don't want to be closin' the clinic. I want you to take care of all m' patients! "

"Not a problem, Yes,Doctor! I'll do m' best,Sir!! " answered Murphy.

The Doctor returned the following day.

"So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache,he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the Doctor.

"The second one had indigestion, so I gave him Gaviscon." says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this!! And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Doctor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flew open ... And a young gorgeous woman burst in, she did! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tore off her clothes, taking off everything!! - including her bra and panties!! - and she lay on the table, and spread her legs!! -and then shouted loudly:
"Oh Please Doctor - HELP ME!! - for the love of St Patrick!! - For five years now, I haven't seen any man!! "

Agasp, the Doctors asked,

"Oh NO, Murphy!! ......
-Tunderin' Joseph, Mary and lard Jesus, what did you do?"

"The only t'ing I could do, Doctor!!
I put drops in her eyes!! "

 

[vc commodore]

How Many Forum Members To Change A Light Bulb!!!




1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

[vc commodore]

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

 

[vc commodore]

Two guys are drinking in a bar....

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."

 

[vc commodore]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.As you well know, I have been known to have had brushes with the lawon the way home from the odd social session over the years.Well, I have done something about it: after yesterday's Melbourne Cup Luncheon at The Villa, I had a few too many beers and bundies, as wellas the obligatory bottle of red.But knowing full well I may have been atad over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took thehotel courtesy bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was quite a surprise, since I had never driven a bus before