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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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A guy wants a divorce. He tells a judge, " I can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar".
Judge ask, " What's she doing?".
The guy answers, " Looking for me ".
 

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QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down,then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
 

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New


Took my wife out to a local bar/restaurant last night to celebrate our anniversary.
It was a complete and utter disaster!
We had only just got a table when all the other locals started shouting "Baby Snatcher!" and other horrible names at me!
This was all because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.
I know that it's quite a large difference in ages but we really really love one another.
Quite frankly their petty behavior completely ruined our 10th anniversary!!..
 

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady comes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts. although still silent. stink terribly. The doctor says, Good. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
 

hademall

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Woman goes to the doctor and says “doctor I can’t stop breaking wind”
Doctor says “strip off and bend over”
Woman complies with doctors request.
Doctor reaches for a ten foot pole with a metal hook on the end.
Woman straightens quickly and says “what the hell are you going to do with that?”
Doctor says “I’m going to open the window coz it f@#kin stinks in here!”
 

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Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets him and says "if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in your bag can I have one". Paddy says "if you can guess how many doughnuts are in the bag you can have both of them".................murphy says four!!
 

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Had to wait in line at the cash machine after I did my shopping and someone pinched the frozen peas from my bag.
You really have to watch your peas in queues these days!!..
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Louie and Rose lived in an old folks' retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose and finally gathered the courage to ask her:
“Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, Louie was troubled.
“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear Rose say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me
 

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What a shite start to the day.
First my girlfriend lectures me for 20 minutes that I can't be trusted,
then I get home and the wife does the same thing!!..
 

Mavericks Choice

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My wife is an angel sent from heaven. I woke up this morning in the bath after apparently drinking too much last night. If she hadn't been there to help me out of the bath I might have fallen on the chainsaw that was idling on the floor. Why she was wearing an apron and rubber gloves I have no idea?
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