Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

HELP NEEDED!
I’m trying to remember the name of an 80’s American sitcom. Set in a Boston bar, where everybody knows your name.
Does anyone know?
Cheers.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My Scottish mate is so tight fisted. I went round to his house yesterday, and he was stripping the wallpaper off the wall.
I said "Are you decorating?"
He said "No, we're moving"

 

[Rocketeer]

I hate waking up hungover, eyebrows shaven off, with a dick drawn on my forehead.
Especially when I was drinking on my own last night!

 

[Rocketeer]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the hell is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we??"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

While many complain about life in general and the cost of living etc, I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-conditioning unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000!!
Right now, I'm happy, with no worries and not a care in the world, not even the employees at the shopping centre who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day..

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The guy sat next to me in the pub pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?"
I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my Wife mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she’s an optician!"

 

[losh1971]

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know ****?”...........

 

[Mavericks Choice]

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.
Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.
She began to walk up the stairs when one of the men stopped her and explained that they had a dress code. He explained that clothes must be pristine and sharp to show respect to the Lord and turned her away.
Dejected and embarrassed, she left and sat on a nearby bench, crying and composing herself, wondering why a church of God wouldn't accept her. As she sat, God sat down next to her. He puts a comforting hand on her shoulder and says, "Don't worry, they won't let me in, either."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."