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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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I was walking through Glasgow today, when I was stopped by a representative from Aquafresh Toothpaste.
She said, "Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?"
I said, "We're in Glasgow love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth."
 

Mavericks Choice

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Two guys having a few drinks in the pub. One of them comes back after getting another round and tells his mate that he's embarrassed because he's just offended the busty barmaid.
"What did you say?"
his mate asks.
" Well I meant to order two large gin and tonics and instead I said two large tits with tonic".
His mate started laughing and said that's what's called a Freudian slip. In fact he said that he had an example of one that very morning, with his wife while they were having breakfast. He meant to ask her to pass the sugar and instead said "You fat cow you've ruined my life!"
 

Mavericks Choice

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I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees, dishes like “Sally's Chicken” after our maitre d who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue.
One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef.
Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn’t think an entrée named “Salmon Ella” would go over big with our customers.
 

Mavericks Choice

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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the hallway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out of the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here?!” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
 

Mavericks Choice

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Little Johnny, aged 7, came home from school one day and asked his dad, "Daddy, where do I come from?" His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about "it". He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. 'It's time he knew', and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, .....well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy's face just stared back, mouth open and speechless. "So, tell me son, why do you ask?" The boy, still in shock, said, "Billy Clark in our class, said he was from Birmingham!"
 

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I saw a fit looking Girl busking in town earlier today.
She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short leather skirt she was wearing.
"Any Requests"..? She asked the watching crowd.
"Your Thong," I replied with a Wink.
Everyone in the crowd gasped in Horror, and the girl slapped me hard across the face.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a Lisp…
 

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So, two Blondes are chatting when the first one say's "I make love to my husband 4 times a week.."
"Your lucky" her friend says "I only get it once a week.."
The first replies "Hang on, your not even married..!!"
To which the reply comes..
"Oh sorry, I thought we were talking about your Husband.."
 

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A lawyers lease was ending, but he was having difficulty finding a new home because, he had a wife and ten children. Nobody would rent to him-they knew the children would destroy the house.
One day, getting desperate, he had a brilliant idea. He sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with nine of their children. He took the other child with him to the Estate Agents office.
"How many children do you have?" asked the agent.
"Ten."
"Where are the others?"
With a typical sad look, the lawyer answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
 

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1660127330271.png
 

Mavericks Choice

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An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says: "Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says: "No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulphur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians...... I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
 
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