It takes just a moment to join our fantastic community
Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
Call of Nature
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her.
Without batting an eye, she said coyly:
"I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Paddy the Irishman is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, let me try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I've got to try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
....And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin.
A very very posh upper class young lady went to the doctor.
This is how the conversation went:
YL..."I am getting married next week, doctor and I need some advice on the sexual side of things. I am still a virgin and just need to know about the man's thingy. You see last weekend my fiance stayed overnight at our country mansion and I saw him on the landing, naked and saw his thingy, and just need to know a couple of things"
D..."Ask away, young lady"
YL....."What do you call the bulbous growth at the end of his thingy? It's shaped a little like a bell"
D...."Well actually it can called the bell end"
YL...."And the tubular thingy the bell end is attached to?"
D....." That in laymans terms would be the shaft"
YL..." And the two round thingys about 22 inches from the bell end?"
D....."How fuckin far?????"
YL...."I would think about 22 inches"
D....." Well for your sake, young lady I hope they're the cheeks of his arse!"
Ryanair is proposing a 'fat tax' for obese customers.
I think this is a great idea and I'd do it like this.
A bit like the hand luggage size test, have a chair with arms at the check-in that passengers have to sit in. When they get up if the chair is still stuck to their arse they pay the tax.
The rest of the queue behind them can all cheer and clap and shout "Pay up, you fat Kent!" making the normally dreary check-in experience a more light-hearted affair.
Donald Trump, 72; 'Well, I just feel like a young man. I'm so young. I can't believe it. I'm the youngest person. I am a young, vibrant man.'
In a way he's right. His brain hasn't aged a day since he was about four.
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’
The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause. The rabbit said…
The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
I stood on the top deck of the ocean liner with my son and we stared out into the icy wilderness.
"Hey, dad, do you think we'll see the whale surface again this morning?" asked my young son.
"Not a chance, son; the fat cow will be in bed until the 1pm free buffet starts."
Just got back from the local foodbank hoping to get a bit to eat, never seen such behaviour like it in all my life, angry jeering mobs, shouting, insulting, threats, I never knew how bad it really was. Last time I go there in my Rolls, it's pretty bad when a bloke who is down to his last few million can't get a bit of charity, what on Earth has the country become?
Separate names with a comma.