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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Two little girls are making friends in the school playground.
    "What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally.
    "He's a magician," says Emma.
    "Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?"
    "Sawing people in half," replies Emma.
    "And do you have any other family?" asks Sally.
    "Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Thinking of doing her up!!

    [​IMG]
     
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  3. ephect

    ephect Donating Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Do not eat chicken sandwiches !
    A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
    He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
    She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
    'Why?' he asked.
    She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
    'Let me see' he said.
    'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
    He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
    'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
    She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
    You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
    One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
    The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his floor scrubber !!!!!
    Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a fukin' doctor
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If y
    ou see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
    ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
     
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  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I've noticed, if you're scared of spiders they always turn up in your bedroom.
    Using that logic... I'm scared of blonde girls with big boobs.
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either..
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

    A widow.
     
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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  13. Tonner Matt

    Tonner Matt Well-Known Member

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    pic.jpg
     
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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neck line, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good!!
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Paddy's girlfriend told him that she thinks she is pregnant, Paddy said I'll get you the home pregnancy test and we'll know then, next day she went to the toilet and some minutes later Paddy shouted, did it turn blue yet, she shouted back, no it's still brown
     
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
    The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
    “And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
    “No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face
     
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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The foreman on a large work site noticed a new laborer one day and barked at him "what's your name?"

    "John", the new bloke replied.

    The Foreman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy work site you were on before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.

    It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.

    If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that!

    Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"

    The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

    The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly, "Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is!!.
     
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  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    After the wife and I won the lottery, we sat down with a lawyer to discuss how we'd take the payment. He asked me, "Are you still interested in the lump figure ?" "Not at all," I replied, "I'm definitely going to find a younger and thinner woman."
     
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