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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I was watching my neighbours cat while she was on holiday as her elderly mum wasn't able to. After a couple of days she phoned.. "How's Tiddles getting on?" She asked. "Tiddles is dead" I replied. After a while she sobbed.."that's so cold hearted, could you not have broken it to me a bit gentler than that. You could have said..Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly" "I'm sorry" I said.."you're right" "..and how's my mum?" ..she continued. I replied.."she got stuck up a tree..."
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says,

    “License and registration, please"

    London Lawyer says, "What for?”

    Irish cop says, "Ye did nae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

    London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

    Irish cop says, "Ye still did nae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

    London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?@

    Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please.”

    London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.”

    Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

    The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
    The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says,

    “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?”
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Mick's dentist told him he needs to give him a prostate exam tomorrow. "He can piss off" says Mick, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I know that can't be right". "It's only been a few weeks since he gave me the last one.! “
     
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The wife has started having these weird fantasies.....

    Just Last night she had one where she wanted me to come home early from the pub and have dinner with her.....
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Paddy and Murphy are going through the jungle, when they see a pride of lions in a clearing. Paddy throws a rock at them, and Murphy says, ''Don't do that, you will upset them'', So Paddy throws another rock, hitting a big lion on the head. The lion starts to chase them, with all the other lions in the pride after them. ''Quick run Murphy'', says Paddy, they will kill us''. ''Why should I run?'', Murphy says, ''you threw the fuking rock' !!
     
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  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  9. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

    The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

    Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

    About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

    "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
    Not sure what they are laced with
    I have been tripping all day
     
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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    FRENCH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

    JAPANESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

    GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a month, and milk themselves.

    BRITISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Both are mad.

    CANADIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact, yes they are. One speaks French, one speaks English. One fights to create a new country, the other won't let it. They both play ice hockey rather well.

    ITALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    SWISS CAPITALISM: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.

    CHINESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.

    NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

    GREEK CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows so you borrow one from your neighbor. You kill the cow and eat it. Your neighbor wants his cow back but you tell him you don't have it and you ask him if you can borrow another cow. He reluctantly loans you the second cow
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Little Johnny’s Breakfast

    A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

    To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

    Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

    'Very good', says the teacher.

    Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

    'Excellent.'

    Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

    'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

    The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

    Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

    Susan correctly identifies Ottawa as Canada's capital.

    Peter tell her Newfoundland was the first North American site discovered by European explorers

    When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a tough question.

    Johnny, she asks, 'where is the Pakistan border?'

    Johnny ponders the question and finally says:

    'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger-all for breakfast'.
     
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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The Wounded Scout

    A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.

    A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

    One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

    When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note:

    "Have bled to death and gone home."
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The Wounded Scout

    A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.

    A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

    One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

    When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note:

    "Have bled to death and gone home."
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    There is a blonde and a brunette. They share their ranch and have lots of female cows. One day, they decide to get a male for breeding to their female cows. So the brunette went down to texas with her life savings of $200 to buy a male cow. She searched up and down and all around and finally found a man that would sell her a cow for $199. Very excited, she bought the cow right away. She then went to the telegram office to send the blonde a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer so they could take the cow back home. She says "Sir, I need a telegram" "What will it say mam?" "I found a male cow. Bring the trailer." "Ok mam, that will be $7. One dollar a word" The brunette only had one dollar left so she said "Oh, sorry. I need to change the telegram." "Ok what does it need to say" "Comfortable." "Um mam, it's none of my business but I don't think she will understand that, you know that right?" "Well, you see, my friend is a blonde and she reads REALLY slow. When she gets the telegram, she will read it like this: COM-FOR-DA-BULL!"
     
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Failed Guide Dog

    A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

    First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally, in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

    After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.

    At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

    The blind man responded:

    "I'm not rewarding him; I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the @ss."
     
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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Army vs. Marines

    Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

    One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

    Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

    The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

    While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

    Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it.

    The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

    As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

    "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

    "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
     
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  20. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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    Why do bitcoiners want a Lambo?

    Because Ferrari is owned by Fiat.
     

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