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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Burning Building

    There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top.

    The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket, they moved it and she dies.

    They yell to the brunette to jump but she says, “No I saw what you did to the redhead"!

    They shout, we don't like redheads!

    So, the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies.

    Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says, “no I saw what you did to them"!

    They shout we don't like them!

    The blonde then says:

    "I don't trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!"
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'heck' no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe anyone could stand to slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
     
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  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The FBI had an opening for an assassin .

    After all the background checks, interviews
    And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

    Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
    The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    'We must know that you will follow your
    Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
    In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
    Never shoot my wife.'

    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
    for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

    The second man was given the same instructions.

    He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my
    wife.'
    The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
    home.'

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to
    kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

    Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
    banging on the walls.

    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
    the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

    'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
    with the chair.'

    MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
     
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

    While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the speaker declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other”.

    He then addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?”

    Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it?"

    And thus, began Ken's life of celibacy!!

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
    Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
    'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
    then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
    As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
    'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
    driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
    The driver said,
    'No problem. Have a go at it.'
    Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
    down the highway.
    A short distance away
    sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
    The trooper pulled out
    and easily caught the limo
    and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
    The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
    and when the glass
    was rolled down,
    he was surprised to see
    who was driving.
    He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
    and called his supervisor.
    He told the supervisor,
    'I know we are supposed
    to enforce the law....
    But I also know that
    important people are
    given certain courtesies.
    I need to know what
    I should do because
    I have stopped a
    very important person.'
    The supervisor asked,
    'Is it the governor?'
    The young trooper said,
    'No, he's more important
    than that.'

    The supervisor said,
    'Oh, so it's the president.'

    The young trooper said,
    'No, he's even more
    important than that.'
    The supervisor finally asked,
    'Well then, who is it?'
    The young trooper said,

    'I think it's Jesus,
    because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
     
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  7. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
    grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends.

    The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being a
    typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
    late.

    I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse had
    apparently already left. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness,
    and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid
    already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long.

    The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, and I began to pour
    out my heart and soul to the Lord. As I preached the workers began to say
    'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord, ' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like
    I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

    I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was
    opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
    workers saying to another, 'I ain't never seen anything like that before
    and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years.'
     
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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
    him how he is feeling.
    'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
    'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
    'Oops!'
     
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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A drunk was walking down the beach when he stumbled upon a magic lamp. The sot picked up the lamp and gave it a brisk rub. Out popped a Genie.

    “Master,” said the genie, “You may have any three things you wish for, Your wish is my command.”

    The drunk pondered for a moment and wished for, “A bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.” Poof, a bottle appeared in his hand. The drunk put the bottle to his lips and took a big swig, tossing off about half the bottle. Zhazam, like magic the bottle refilled its self.

    “Master, what else do you require,” asked the genie? “You have two more wishes”

    The sot responded, “I want me two more bottles just like this one!”
     
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  11. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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    I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
     
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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Mick and Ed are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
    and drinking beer when suddenly Ed says,
    'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife -
    she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

    Mick spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over,
    women like that are hard to find.'
     
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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. When the officer approached the car the man immediately became beligerant for being pulled over. The officer finally having his fill of the guys lip told him "shut up. I'm going to haul you in and put you in jail until the chief gets back." The guy relizing he has gotten himself in deep trouble Began to try and explain his way out of it. "But, officer, I just wanted to say"the officer cut him off and told him once again "to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
     
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  14. losh1971

    losh1971 Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn''t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."
    God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history...
     
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  16. 1985VK

    1985VK Well-Known Member

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    Flawless MALE LOGIC.

    Woman: Do you drink beer?
    Man: Yes
    Woman: How many beers a day?
    Man: Usually about 3.
    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
    Man: About $5.00, which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!)
    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
    Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
    Man: Correct.
    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000,correct?
    Man: Correct.
    Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
    Man: Do you drink beer?
    Woman: No.
    Man: Where's your Ferrari then?
     
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  17. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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    What is the difference between a Burger and a Shooting Star?

    The Burger is meatier, the Shooting star is a little meteor.
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A distraught senior citizen phoned her

    Doctor's' office.

    "Is it true," she wanted to know,

    "that the

    Medication you prescribed has to be taken for the

    rest of my life?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor

    told her

    There was a moment of silence before the

    senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then,

    just

    how serious is my condition because this

    Prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
     
  19. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    An older gentleman was on the operating table

    awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a

    Renowned surgeon, perform the operation.



    As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to

    speak to his son.



    "Yes, Dad, what is it? "

    "Don't be nervous, son; do your

    best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if

    something happens to me, your mother is going to come

    and live with you and your wife...."
     
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