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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

    However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

    ‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

    ‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

    The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

    At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

    ‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

    ‘The gold.’

    ‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

    ‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

    The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

    ‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
    So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
    "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
    "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
    "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
    To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
     
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  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  4. Fu Manchu

    Fu Manchu Well-Known Member

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    Van full of monkeys
     
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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."

    [​IMG]
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
    He was a widower and she a widow.
    They had known one another for a number of years.
    Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
    These two were at the same table, across from one another.
    As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
    After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”
    The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
    Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
    He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
    With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
    First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
    Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
    As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
    He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
    Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
     
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  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A college student wrote a letter home:

    Dear folks,

    I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.

    I feel ashamed and unhappy.

    I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.

    I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

    Your son,

    Marvin

    P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.

    I wanted to take this letter and burn it.

    I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

    A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

    Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!
     
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  10. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  11. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  12. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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    George Carlin is awesome... I bet you guys can relate to what he is saying, good routine.

     
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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    (1) I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
    (2) I love deadlines. Especailly the whooshing sound as they go flying by.
    (3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
    (4) Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
    (5) Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
    (6) I don't have an attitude problem. You just have a perception problem.
    (7) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I wondered, where the heck is my ceiling?
    (8) My reality check bounced.
    (9) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
    (10) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
    (11) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
    (12) Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
    (13) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
    (14) Never argue with an idiot, they'll just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
     
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  14. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.


    "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

    The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
    At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
     
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  16. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  17. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  18. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  19. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

    At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
    "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

    "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

    "How's that?" the lawyer asked.

    "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
     
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