It takes just a moment to join our fantastic community
Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
Gotta love pussy jokes.
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, die and are at the Pearly Gates. St. Peters tells them that if they want to enter Heaven, they need to walk up stairs that have one hundred steps and that on each step, they'll be told a joke. If they laugh, they're immediately sent to Hell.
So the brunette goes and on the third step, she cracks up because of the joke.
Then the redhead goes and is able to control herself until the thirteenth step, but then cracks up too.
It is the blonde's turn. She goes up every step and listens to the jokes without laughing. St. Peters is amazed and decides to give her a boring joke for the last step to see what will happen. So she hears the joke and cracks up.
Before sending her to Hell, St. Peters asks her why she laughed at the very last step with a joke so boring and she simply answers, "Well, I just understood the joke from the first step!!!"
Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, ???I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.??? The next guy said, ???I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.??? The third guy says, ???I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.???
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, ???What are you guys talking about?'
???Just about how good our sons are doing,??? the three men replied. ???Well, my son is doing very well,??? says the fourth man, ???He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.??
A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
His mother replies "That's his trunk".
The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."
The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".
The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."
The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.
Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The dad replies, "That's his trunk."
"No, behind that!" says the kid.
"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.
"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.
His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."
The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."
His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
One day Jesus and Moses were playing a round of Golf at the Heavenly Acres Golf Club.
They approached Hole number 9, which is a 200 yard hole with a large pond between the tee box and the green.
Moses stepped up first, lined up his shot, and took the safe route, landing on the fairway on the shore of the pond, well to the right of the hole.
Jesus stepped up, and said "You know, Tiger woods won the Masters on this same hole at Augusta, and he got it in in two strokes- by using his nine iron to go straight for the green... if Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."
So Jesus pulled out his nine iron, hit it and of course the ball plopped straight into the pond. Moses chuckled, then split the pond in half, so Jesus could walk down and get the ball.
Jesus returned the ball to the drop spot, and still weilding his nine iron said "If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I." Predictably, the ball ended up in the pond again.
"Jesus, you're on your own with this one."
So Jesus began to walk across the pond to retrieve his ball.
With all this going on, another pair of golfers had caught up with them, and now were waiting for Jesus and Moses to finish up on the hole.
Upon seeing Jesus walking on the pond, one of the men said "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses turned to him and said, "No, Tiger Woods."
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph on the m1 looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
Little Susie comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for sending someone a valentine?
Susie's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to send a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to send Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Susie, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," says Susie. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."
A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000.00$ He ask why this was in the box. She replied ???when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies
I had to get a colonoscopy done today. I took my pants off and asked the doctor where I should put them. He said, “On the chair next to mine”.
The Blonde and Her Melons
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''
''Melons,'' the blonde replies.
''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''
The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
Separate names with a comma.