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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A semi-detached house was ablaze yesterday with a man with two wooden legs trapped inside.
    The fire brigade have seen confirmed that while the damage to the house was superficial,
    the gentleman in question was sadly burnt to the ground.
    The insurance company said he didn't have a leg to stand on!
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  3. commodore665

    commodore665 expat Saffa

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    65D3688E-54D6-41D7-B9A9-88C697005D78.jpeg
     
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Rodney wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "******* hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a soiled pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A Muslim a Christian and a Jew are all asked what's the best thing they've read.
    "That's an easy question to answer," said the Muslim, "The best thing I've read is the Qur'an. What about you?" He asks the Christian. "That's easy for me too," replied the Christian, "The best thing I've ever read is The Bible. What about you?" He asked Jew.
    "That's an easy one for me too," he replied, "The best thing I've ever read is, 'buy one get one free.
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Thomas goes into a 'Fun House' in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a professional.
    He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
    "£100," she replies.
    So he asks, "Okay do you do Glasgow style?"
    She says "No!"
    He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Glasgow style?"
    She again says no, not knowing what Glasgow style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go Glasgow style with me!"
    Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Glasgow style be?"
    So she goes ahead and has it with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible way. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted she turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Glasgow style' come in?"

    Thomas replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"
     
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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

    Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  12. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A warning to all

    Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many sambuca and then went on to stella. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my bike in town and took a bus home, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and doing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved me past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from!!!!!
    DONT DRINK AND DRIVE
     
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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred. All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor."My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented."That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
    Then it dawned on them...
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

    After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said:
    "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

    "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
    “I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

    Here the colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    “Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to **** off."
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  17. commodore665

    commodore665 expat Saffa

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    and most people in middle management roles too
     
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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"? "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!"
     
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  19. UTE042_NZ

    UTE042_NZ Active Member

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    Used to be, I didn't give a phuck.


    Recently started drinking Red Bull.










    Now I don't give a flying phuck.
     
  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    My wife was born the day John Lennon died. Her mother was taken to hospital in a beetle and gave birth on the Harrison maternity ward. The Midwife who delivered her was called Mrs Rigby. In the Taxi on her way home from the hospital the driver had a tape of revolver playing.
    Anyway as she's now forty, I hope she's due to be shot this year.
     

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