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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.
"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.''
 

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428632958_25203756009215465_2626012408250198600_n.jpg
 

Mavericks Choice

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Jesus and Saint Peter were walking along the shores of Lake Gallilee when Peter noticed something out in the lake. "What's that Lord?" he asked. "It's an oil rig" Jesus replied, "would you like to visit it?" "Sure" says Peter "Follow me" says Jesus. About fifty yards out Peter was up to his neck in water, and Jesus was walking ON the water. "I can't go further Lord, I'll drown", says Peter. "Do what I'm doing" says Jesus. "What's that, Lord?" askes Peter. " I'm walking on the pipe line, You dumb fuc!"
 

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town.the lone ranger says to tonto im going to the bar for a drink you run round my horse to cool him off,,,A fella comes into the bar and says who owns the white horse the lone ranger says I do,,,The fella says,,,,,,,,Well youve left your Injun running,,,,
 

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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!'
 

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My friend is a psychiatrist who specializes in treating hen-pecked husbands. I've witnessed him testify in court for a client who killed his wife.
Here is the jest of what he said, "The accused had become suicidal your honor...it was him or her...he killed her in self defense."
 

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Olaf the Viking is shopping in the supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf "Oh" sobs the lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets" "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her on to his back "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in her basket. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting for her with the wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are." Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," said her husband "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
 

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My friend seemed really down as we were having an after work visit to the local bar. After a few beers he finally shared his story. "I finally snapped. Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof. I stormed into the kitchen and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift.”
“Did it help?”
“I’ll say. Tomorrow we’re selling my boat and sailing equipment.”
 

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The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
 

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An irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
 
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