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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.” “Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.” “Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh for fook sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
 

Mavericks Choice

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I told the doctor i was deaf in one ear,He said which ear is it? I said 2024,,
After that i got a state of the art hearing aid, I said to my sister see this hearing aid ive got in, its built by Russian space engineers and it cost £5000,She said Wow what kind is it ? I said quater past four,,,
 

Mavericks Choice

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A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
 

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I walked into town with my wife last week, when it was time to come home, she decided she'd done enough walking and would get the bus home.

But as we'd walked there, I didn't have my bus pass and I wasn't going spend £5 on the bus fare so I ran home behind the bus.

When we got home, she asked:

“Why I was out of breath” I told her:

“I'd run and saved £5”

She said:

“You are a silly sod; you should have run home behind a taxi and you'd have saved a tenner”
 

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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says...
"Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
 

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A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men should remember fairies are female....
 

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The lady of the house sat in the study with tears streaming down her cheeks.

Upon entering the room her maid knelt by her side and tried to comfort her.

“Oh Marie,” the woman said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”

“I don’t believe it for one minute,” snapped the maid:

“You are only saying that to make me jealous!”
 

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A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.
Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh ****, I'm on the wrong bus!
 

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`
This is a true story from Irish television from when I was a lad. There were still a lot of horses being used for transport...
A young lad showed up late for school one day and the teacher asked why. The lad explained that a hole had been dug in the road for some waterworks maintenance and a horse had fallen in and hurt itself badly amongst other injuries it had a broken leg, the police were called and they had to shoot the horse.
The teacher, engrossed in the story, without thinking asked, 'Did they shoot the horse in the the hole? To which the lad replied, 'No, they shot it in the head!'
Made me laugh for days after I'd seen it...
 

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Guy comes home to a depressed wife. "You ok darling", he asks.

She looks at him angrily and tells him she is not alright.

Husband tells her to get her coat and they will go out and pick a nice new car for her.

She replies "I don't want a new car"

Hubby tells her “Ok, let’s go out and get us a nice new mansion."

"I don't want a new mansion" she cries!

Husband says, "maybe we can pick a new plane then."

Again, she refuses his offer.

Hubby now lost for ideas asks her:

"Well, what the hell do you want"

Wife looks at him and screams:

"I want a bleeding divorce!"

Husband turns his back on her and says:

"Nope, I'm not spending that much!"
 
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