Joke of the Day

[hademall]

A woman goes into a sex shop and asks for the biggest dildo on sale.
The shopkeeper points to the dildo selection on the top shelf and says “take your pick”
After perusing the selection for some time, she points and tells the shopkeeper she would like to purchase the large tartan coloured one on the end of the shelf. The shopkeeper responds, “you can’t have that one madam, it has my Scotch broth in it.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:
"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"
Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!" She said. "You must put it in here!"
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs.
Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

LETTER FROM THE SCOUT GROUP:
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

 

[keith reed]

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Dublin businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into his Galway hotel and because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk, and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told Paddy, the clerk, "My name is Seamus O ‘Flynn, can you please tell me what room I am in?" "Certainly," replied Paddy. "You're in the lobby."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A man walks into a car dealership and sees the car of his dreams.

He walks up to it and looks everywhere but can't find a price listed anywhere on it.

He runs his hands along the door and when he does, he accidentally lets out a loud fart.

He looks around quickly to see if anyone heard him, and no one seems to have heard.

A few minutes go by and a salesman walks up to the man and asks if there is anything he could help him with.

The man says, "Well, I'd like to know how much this car costs."

The salesman tells the man "Well sir, I'm not sure I should tell you."

Bewildered, the man asks the salesman why not.

The salesman responded:

"Well, if you farted just by touching it, you're going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."

 

[keith reed]

How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your resume.

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and no safety incidents.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

 

[MrBags]

Port Adelaide.

 

[rambunctious]

Port Adelaide.

Brisbane Drongos