Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[ChocolateCharlie]

That's a great list, I'll pass it on

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Mouse and a Lion go into a Bar to have a drink. There’s a Giraffe sitting at the next table. And the Mouse says “Oh my God, I’m in love. That’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. Look at her Eyelashes”. The Lion says “Well, why don’t you just go right over and buy her a drink?”
The Mouse says “Oh no. I can’t do that”. Eventually, after another drink the Mouse goes over and buys the Giraffe a drink and, after a while, they disappear. The next night, the Lion is in the Bar drinking, and the Mouse comes in looking terrible. The Lion says “What’s the matter? What happened”?
The Mouse says “Are you kidding? Between ******* and kissing I think I must have run three thousand miles”.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're ******.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.

14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

 

[marty351]

16?

 

[Ian Johnston]

4 and 12????

 

[rambunctious]

And if you want to find out who loves you the most, lock your wife and dog in the boot of your car for an hour and see who is happy to see you when you open the boot.

 

[VS_Pete]

^^^
I just pissed myself

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”
St. Peter answered, “ Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”
“Oh”, said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Theresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie”
“Incredible” said the man. “ And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham Lincoln told only two lies in his
entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump’s and Hilary Clinton’s clocks?” asked the man.
St. Peter replied………….
“WE’RE USING THEM AS CEILING FANS!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Top tip for those who get pissed off with someone cold calling saying your records show you might have been in an accident recently & we can get you compo, just say I had an accident on the way home from the pub last night I farted and ****ing **** myself.................. they soon hang up!!.