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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
As I stared out of the window this morning, I said to my wife: "Oh my God, look at it, it's so grey and miserable." "Stop being a twat" she replied, "just go and let my mother in."
My best mate's wife was pregnant and he asked me to be godfather. So I threatened his family and killed his horse.
As Meghan is an actress, couldn't she play Yoko Ono,the woman who split the Beatles...........or doesn't she want to be typecast !
My girlfriend just sent me down the shop to get some orange juice but i forgot what one she wanted, i rang her and she said concentrate you silly bastard. I tried to but i still couldn't remember ffs!!.
I'm not saying my wife's fat.
But she wants to live on Quality Street.
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it:
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks. "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies. "I can't see how it's any of your business. But, since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says. "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
The other day, my wife accused me of dressing up as Matt Damon's secret agent character.
She must think I was Bourne yesterday
500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away. Therefore, in the meantime, only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This probably explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook.
Separate names with a comma.