Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side...
So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fuking reason...

 

[Skydrol]

 

[ephect]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

 

[Gotta_Drive_1]

I was driving to work the other day not paying much attention and ran into the back of another car. A midget jumped out and said I'm not happy! I said " which one are you" that's when he attacked me.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Gotta_Drive_1]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper that sold his soul to SANTA!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out...
As he walked to the door she yelled: "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!"

He turned around and said: "So, you want me to fuking stay?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Wedding Chaos

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister.

The congregation was aghast, you could almost hear a pin drop.

The groom's jaw dropped as he stared at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied:

"We can't hear you in the back."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a tiny necklace mobile phone for women. Have you seen this thing? It's on a chain - you wear it around your neck - it hangs down right here to a woman's cleavage. The only problem women have with it; when it rings, every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get it.'