Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

My wife is a makeup artist.

She makes up the tea,

she makes up the beds,

she makes up rumours about the neighbours,

and she makes up my mind when I'm deciding whether to go to the pub...

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address...
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time...
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets...
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes...
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle...
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days...
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one...
Love, Ma

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Took my dog to the vets and I said I think my dog is racist he keeps barking at the Asian man next door. He said muzzle him, I said I'll try but he's got a beard.

 

[Gotta_Drive_1]

What's the difference between broccoli and snot????

Kids will not eat broccoli !!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

"I'm sorry for the short notice," I said, "but I'm going to have to take Thursday and Friday off work, my mother-in-law died last night. "Oh," they said. "Helping to make arrangements?" "No," I replied. "Throwing a party , I'll be too pissed to come in."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

How does a deaf bloke know when his wife has died?

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Experts call for the word 'cyclist' to be BANNED because it 'dehumanises' people who ride bikes. I would start by banning Lycra

 

[Skydrol]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.