Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Arguing with a woman is like reading a
software licence agreement, in the end
you ignore it all, wait for the end and
click "I agree"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the
Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I
kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'


The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."


The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.


As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent
And spends the night.

The next morning the Indian
Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal
horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What
is your SECOND request?"

Silver is brought to him, and he again
whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and
disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's
surprise, Silver again returns,
This time with a voluptuous
brunette,
More attractive than the blonde. The Lone Ranger again
asks to speak to his horse.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends
the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"


"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to
speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and
Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.


Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and
says,

"Listen Very
Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT
PUSSY!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!
>
>
>
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!
>
>
>
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Oh, for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy, and the best man says, "Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around" !

"BROOM BROOM"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I was filling up the car at the local petrol station so I went inside to get a few bits from the shop.
When I walked up I noticed two really young cops were watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up.
I saw her & thought "what an idiot....with the police right there too". I went in and got a couple bits and bobs ,as I was paying I heard someone screaming. I looked outside & the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around going ballistic!! I rushed outside to help & the cops had put her on the ground & we're putting the fire out with their coffee!! Then, they put handcuffs on her & threw her in the police car. I was thinking "she shouldn't have been smoking & pumping petrol!" But being the nosey person that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for? The policeman looked me dead in the eye & said "WAVING A FIREARM!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

[commodore665]

This is why some people should not be allowed passports

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]