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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Alabama vasectomy
    After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.
    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
    The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
    The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
    So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.
    The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
    The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10.
    Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
    He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
    A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
    Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
    Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

    He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

    Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

    The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

    "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling this ****, he wouldn't even fuckin' try!"
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Bought an old Morris 1100 at a car auction yesterday and immediately set about giving it a good old scrub and polish.
    I was just giving it a final coat of wax when the police arrived and arrested me on the spot.
    Apparently I'm being charged with grooming a Minor.
     
  6. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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    I thought you were going to get charged for polishing a turd.
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
    Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbor decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
    The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
    A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
    The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
    The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.'
    'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'
    'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-****!"
     
    VS_Pete likes this.
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Deserted Island Two Kiwis, two Aussies, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island. The two Aussies got together and started a bank; the two Welshmen got together and started a choir; the two Irishmen got together and started a fight; The two Kiwis never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
    Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
    A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
    An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    The British Law states that it is legal to own a firearm at the age of 17.
    However it is illegal to purchase fireworks if you are below the age of 18.
    This means you can shoot somebody , but have to wait a year before you can frighten the **** out of a cat!”
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    I went to see my doctor, I said "I don't understand it - my wife is pregnant but we haven't had sex in a year!"
    The doctor replies, "Ah, it's what we call a 'grudge pregnancy'... Someone's obviously had it in for you."
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    An Australian went into a bar and sat next to a kiwi who was chewing gum. The kiwi chewing the gum asked the aussie if they eat bread in Australia, The aussie said "Of course, we eat the inside of the bread and take the outside and recycle it then make cereal with it for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing on the gum asked if they ate bananas in Australia Then the aussie said, "Well of course we eat the inside and recycle the rest and make smoothies for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing the gum asked 1 more question "do you have sex in Australia:" The man said yes "we use condoms for sex and when we finish with them we recycle it and make gum for kiwis".
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Did you hear about the winner of the New Zealand beauty contest? Me neither.
    Whats the difference between Cinderella and the New Zealand rugby team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.
    What is a Kiwi's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
    How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass? Delightful!
    Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

    Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

    He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"
     
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
    "No" the man's distant voice replies anxiously.
    "They are trying to resuscitate me."
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Elderly man stopped by police.
    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
    The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
    The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
    The man replies, “My wife.”
     
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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable. The Sergeant says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

    "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sergeant says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

    The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sergeant says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
    Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
    He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

    "Aww thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so, what's the other possible good news?"

    "Well," the Sergeant says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".
     
  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable. The Sergeant says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

    "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sergeant says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

    The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sergeant says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
    Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
    He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

    "Aww thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so, what's the other possible good news?"

    "Well," the Sergeant says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".
     

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