Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Burning Building

There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top.

The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket, they moved it and she dies.

They yell to the brunette to jump but she says, “No I saw what you did to the redhead"!

They shout, we don't like redheads!

So, the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies.

Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says, “no I saw what you did to them"!

They shout we don't like them!

The blonde then says:

"I don't trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'heck' no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe anyone could stand to slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .

After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my
wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the speaker declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other”.

He then addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?”

Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it?"

And thus, began Ken's life of celibacy!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said,
'No problem. Have a go at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person.'
The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
than that.'

The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked,
'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said,

'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

 

[Skydrol]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being a
typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late.

I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse had
apparently already left. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness,
and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid
already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, and I began to pour
out my heart and soul to the Lord. As I preached the workers began to say
'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord, ' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like
I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was
opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, 'I ain't never seen anything like that before
and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years.'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A drunk was walking down the beach when he stumbled upon a magic lamp. The sot picked up the lamp and gave it a brisk rub. Out popped a Genie.

“Master,” said the genie, “You may have any three things you wish for, Your wish is my command.”

The drunk pondered for a moment and wished for, “A bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.” Poof, a bottle appeared in his hand. The drunk put the bottle to his lips and took a big swig, tossing off about half the bottle. Zhazam, like magic the bottle refilled its self.

“Master, what else do you require,” asked the genie? “You have two more wishes”

The sot responded, “I want me two more bottles just like this one!”