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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
Received a call from a recruitment agency. She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!"
I replied : Yes. I know.
There was a long silence and then she said.....
Then I said, I prefer the other one.
why not try both? I feel like a taco now.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's licence!!..
There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He absolutely hated that.
Now one day there was a massive storm. Rain was coming down in sheets and it lasted so long that the small river than ran next to the outhouse swelled up so high that the outhouse was only about a foot away from it. Little Timmy saw this and realized this could be his chance to get rid of the outhouse.
He ran and got one of his dads shovels and some planks and quickly ran over to the side of the outhouse to dig away the dirt and lever it up with the planks. Finally, he gave it one last hard shove and the entire outhouse toppled into the river and drifted downstream.
Little Timmy was pretty happy with himself until later that night, while he was in the kitchen helping his mother make supper, his dad walked into the house. Now little Timmy saw his dads face, as his dad began to take off his belt, and knew the game was up, so he thought fast and decided his best chance was to immediately come clean.
" I pushed the outhouse into the river"
"I know that son. Now bend over"
At this Little Timmy was taken aback, "but pa, George Washington told how he cut down the cherry tree and he didn't get in trouble for it".
His dad pauses for a moment, before replying "son. George Washington's dad wasn't IN the cherry tree"
F.F.S. people take offence at any thing today.
Met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop.
And I only asked how he was gettin on!!!.
Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.
For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom.
So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.
A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam.
The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.
I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out!
A very unhappy customer
A woman took her car to her mechanic.
She told him, "Every time I take my friends out in my car, there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I'm alone."
The mechanic was puzzled, so he said, "OK, let's go for a spin and see what the problem is."
Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerved, hit the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now—there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
The mechanic replied "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it.."
The teacher said..
Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:
"John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. "Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up,
"General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
*"Oh ****, we are screwed."*
Little Akio said quietly,
*"The whole population of earth, 2020, "when the governments quarantined the healthy and shut down the world over a measily virus."
This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.
WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSBAND : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBmakes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “****”...
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said...
"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
Loving these mate!
Separate names with a comma.