Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

A semi-detached house was ablaze yesterday with a man with two wooden legs trapped inside.
The fire brigade have seen confirmed that while the damage to the house was superficial,
the gentleman in question was sadly burnt to the ground.
The insurance company said he didn't have a leg to stand on!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[commodore665]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Rodney wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "******* hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a soiled pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Muslim a Christian and a Jew are all asked what's the best thing they've read.
"That's an easy question to answer," said the Muslim, "The best thing I've read is the Qur'an. What about you?" He asks the Christian. "That's easy for me too," replied the Christian, "The best thing I've ever read is The Bible. What about you?" He asked Jew.
"That's an easy one for me too," he replied, "The best thing I've ever read is, 'buy one get one free.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Thomas goes into a 'Fun House' in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a professional.
He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
"£100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do Glasgow style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Glasgow style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Glasgow style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go Glasgow style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Glasgow style be?"
So she goes ahead and has it with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible way. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted she turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Glasgow style' come in?"

Thomas replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.