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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    The cheapest way to surprise the missus is to walk in the door and drop a big fart in front of her. Because whether it’s a big juicy fart or a dozen red roses she’s going to say “AAAWWW! You shouldn’t have done that!”……It’s just the tone of voice that may vary.
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
    to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
    doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
    care of another matter before she returned.

    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
    in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
    she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
    to the toilet seat.

    About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

    They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
    Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
    Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
    to the hospital emergency room.

    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
    how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
    Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
    "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

    The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
    I just never saw one mounted and framed."
     
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  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A BOXING DAY POO. You sit upon the toilet with everything prepared, you're feeling quite excited but a little bloody scared! That huge amount of Christmas nosh has turned into a log and now the fateful time has come to flush it down the bog! But first you must expel the beast and so you start to strain, you bite down on a piece of wood to take away the pain. But oh my god, its bloody huge, its like you're giving birth! You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all you're worth. And then the magic moment comes that fills your soul with cheer, a turd the size of King Kongs arm emerges from your rear. And like a bomb it hits the pan thus lightening your mood, and making room inside your guts for lots more christmas food!!
     
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Got let out of prison today.
    The warden turned and asked "Can you take any positives from your time in here?"
    I smiled "Yeah actually, the wife can't ever call me a tight arsed bastard again"
     
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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Definition of an optimist?
    An English batsman coming to the crease with sunscreen on!
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

    So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.

    It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
     
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  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Paddy was driving home one afternoon when he slightly bumped the car in front of him at some traffic lights. As he got out the car to speak to the driver, he glanced at the car and felt sure the person in the back was dead. "What made you think that he was dead?" Asked Mick
    "He was in a feckin' coffin." Replied Paddy.
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

    She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,

    while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

    She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

    'You ok?' she says.

    'Yes.' he says.

    'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

    'It's best I stay here.' he says.

    'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

    The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

    "Because I'm the Goalie !"
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
    She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
    "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
    The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
    After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
    She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
    She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
    He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
    I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
    So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
    "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
    The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
    Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
    "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
    "I know," he said.... "but the Darts Team hadn't!
     
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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
    for 2 months.
    Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
    The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
    Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
    to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
    phone and makes a call.
    Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.... A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
    He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem.
    I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
    "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli , a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account....
    "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
    "However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
    At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,
    "You'll f**k her again!"
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  12. commodore665

    commodore665 expat Saffa

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    087D5F09-2CE8-4C15-93A3-608E2CDAE689.jpeg
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

    Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

    Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

    Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

    Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

    Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

    Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

    Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

    About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

    'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

    Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

    The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

    Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    WARMING!!!
    If youse gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it?!!#*
    It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
    Warn al1 you vriends!!
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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  16. r3b3lw0lf

    r3b3lw0lf Member

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    At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of the synagogue.
    While he was checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with all the candle drippings?"

    "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

    But, on he went in his obnoxious way."What about all those matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs?"
    "Ah, yes," replied the rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with unanswerable questions.

    "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and every so often they send us a free box of matzo balls."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

    "Well Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
     
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Aussie were lost in the jungle. They came across a clear pool of water and jumped in to cool off. They were suddenly surrounded by natives who dragged them from the pool. The native chief said “You have defiled our sacred pool and we shall kill you and use your skin to make canoes. We will grant you one final wish”
    The Frenchman asked for a knife and shouting “I shall not be killed by savages , vive la France” he plunged the knife in to his chest.
    The Englishman asked for a knife and shouting “I shall not be killed by savages , Rule Britannia” he plunged the knife in to his chest.
    The Aussi asked for a fork ,used it to stab himself all over his body and yelled “That’s buggered your canoe you *******s.”
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

    "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

    "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
     
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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    At one Catholic Church in Nebraska, they have monthly marriage seminars for husbands. At the last session, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands. "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend d money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for our 5th anniversary!" The priest responded. "Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied. "I gonna go pick her up "
     
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  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Active Member

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    Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
    court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
    I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
    go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
    to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

    Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
    "How did you do over the weekend?"
    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
    "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
    "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

    0 0
    and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
    (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

    "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
    boy)

    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

    "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

    "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
    small circle and told them, "this is your a**hole before prison......"
     
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