Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Skydrol]

Listen/Watch this...

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10155672997276322&id=7833211321

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1952036351716995&id=407572032724485

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A warning to all

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many sambuca and then went on to stella. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my bike in town and took a bus home, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and doing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved me past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from!!!!!
DONT DRINK AND DRIVE

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred. All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor."My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented."That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Then it dawned on them...

 

[Mavericks Choice]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said:
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
“I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
.
.
.
.
.
“Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to **** off."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[commodore665]

and most people in middle management roles too

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"? "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!"

 

[UTE042_NZ]

Used to be, I didn't give a phuck.


Recently started drinking Red Bull.










Now I don't give a flying phuck.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My wife was born the day John Lennon died. Her mother was taken to hospital in a beetle and gave birth on the Harrison maternity ward. The Midwife who delivered her was called Mrs Rigby. In the Taxi on her way home from the hospital the driver had a tape of revolver playing.
Anyway as she's now forty, I hope she's due to be shot this year.