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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
What you call 2 Skunks doing a 69?
0 Things a woman will never say.
1 Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?
2 You take me out too much. Can't we just stay in?
3 A fake one will do.
4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job.
5 Have a night out with your friends, you deserve it.
6 My mother is a real old bitch.
7 No,no. You buy me too much already.
8 Give it me hard up the arse big boy. You know I love it.
9 What headache?
10 Put your money away, let me buy the round.
-Man goes to see his doctor.
-Doctor looks at him sternly and says, "Fred, you have to stop masturbating!"
-"But why, doctor?"
-"Because you are bloody disturbing the consultation!!!"
After 3 months at sea one time, Kev called the missus to say he was on my his way home,
"I can't wait to see you again." She told me.
"And I've a nice surprise for you, too."
When I got there, I opened the living room door to find her lying on the couch, stark naked.
"Holy **** baby, you look amazing!!" I said, jaw hitting the floor.
"It looks like you've lost loads of weight and certainly aren't the same fatty you were a few weeks ago. This is a fabulous surprise."
"Oh piss off, Kev!" she snapped. "I've bought us a bigger sofa!!
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked for her cell number so I could call her.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, want free sex for tonight”.
I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!”
A guy next to me overheard, tapped on my shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.”
This lesbian couple came into my restaurant with a newborn baby in their arms.
"It's so cute," I said as I tickled its forehead... "Boy or girl ?"
"'It' will decide for itself once it's 12 years old," they hissed.
I'm now getting to that stage when I have to use a lubricant before having sex with my wife
Usually about eight pints !
"What do you want for your birthday?" I asked my sweet wife
"Ooh if you're feeling generous, I could do with an outfit for work!"
So I got her a new apron and some oven gloves.
Separate names with a comma.