Joke of the Day

[commodore665]

Lookout now.....
We've gone and upset "Achmed The Dead Terrorist"

funny thing is , when I grow a beard , I look like Osama bin Laden's younger brother ,

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[VS_Pete]

not working

 

[Mavericks Choice]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum..

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I've Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, survived many armed patrols and, erm spirited exchanges in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash that left his bike a mangled piece of scrap iron.
At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him. He couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes taking life preserving fluids and oxygen to him, so I moved closer as he pointed to his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write it down. He nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you it's all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail. He now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with a heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers.
I got to the car without breaking down and as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from my recently deceased mate. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the dashboard. It just looked like gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket.
I'm now home and was about to throw it away but the thought hit me. It might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words; it just appears to be a jumble of letters.
I've decided to share it on Geekbook to see if anyone can decipher it. I've never been any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety. (I'm not sure whether he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil)
It says: 'GETOFFMY****INGOXYGENPIPEYOUFAT****'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run
away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws"
, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the
sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the *******
putt, didn't you?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation.
The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, " This is powerful
medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3 !" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes… And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition – or one will end up with a dangling participle

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing’.

‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment……

‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the Cage with Francis and Simon. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying…. that phrase… in no time…’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s The house…..

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence…

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!