Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Advice please. I have a mercedes c350cdi auto and I'm having problems with the gears. In the Daytime I put the gear stick in D and it drives normally, but then at night time I put it in N and it just revs and won't move. It's driving me bananas, if I need to drive at night I have to use my wifes manual car. Help please

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me because she calls me her sixty second lover.

 

[losh1971]

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal; - Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million. No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles. With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration at the scene, then the owner announced; - We have a brave winner. After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said; - I didn't jump, someone pushed me! His wife smiled... Moral: ′′ Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him "...

 

[losh1971]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Certain things should be left in childhood, like the childhood prank of posting **** through someone’s letterbox. As a kid you might get told off and grounded but as an adult the consequences are even worse. Not only did I get a police caution but I lost my job with Royal Mail..

 

[Mavericks Choice]

All this recent rain has been no good for my open air restaurant business.
People were taking at least 3 hours to finish their soup!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I went into the estate agents looking for a flat earlier..
After talking it over with a pretty estate agent, I came away with a semi

 

[Mavericks Choice]

If anyone wants to come around and see my poor carpentry skills, my door is always open

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Helen was distraught after calling off her engagement to Simon and decided to write him a letter as follows...
Dear Simon,
I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off out engagement.
Won't you please forgive me ?
Not being able to hug you anymore is breaking my heart.
I admit now that I was a fool.
Nobody can take your place.
I really still love you so much.
All my undying love,
Helen
P.S Congratulations on winning the Lottery!!.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.
He interviewed three people. The first, Mick, came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"
The second,Seamus, came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third, Paddy, came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-to s-s-s-ell, Bi - bi - Bibles, f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you!"
"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles.....
Paddy replied, "B-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, the man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to show immediate RESULTS!"
Mick comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."
Seamus reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today.
Paddy
reports, "To-t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the second day,
Mick comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles."
Seamus reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today"
Paddy reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi-Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is.
"I-i-I j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, walk, up to up to them and ask, them... and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-if they want t-t-o-o- -b-b-b- buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to rrr read it to 'em?"