Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, "What superpower would you have if you could have any?"
"Invisibility," I replied.
"I'm intrigued," she went on. "What would you do if you were invisible?"
"Sit here and watch the TV in feckin peace," I replied!!.

 

[VR38]

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.
Maybe it got married!!.

 

[Rocketeer]

 

[Rocketeer]

Aboriginal style sex
An Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

"How much do you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

He says "Do you do Aboriginal style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style"

"No", she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

"I pay you $300"

"No", she says.

"I pay you $400"

"No", she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style.”

She thinks,
"Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,

"Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?"

The Aboriginal replies "You send da bill to da Gub'ment".

 

[Rocketeer]

Three Australians and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Kiwi’s

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Kiwi’s cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Kiwi’s on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwi’s don't buy a ticket at
all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.
"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Kiwi ..
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train
departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwi’s leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

So a man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.
After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.
'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.'
'Sure,' the boy said.
By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned.
'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said.
'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'

 

[Rocketeer]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had charged him for sex.

These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'


That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance!!.

 

[shane_3800]

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