>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. > > > >The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." > > > >So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. > >At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. > > > >He proceeded to talk up a storm. > > > >Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: > >1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. > >2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. > >3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. > >4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. > >5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. > >6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. > >7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. > >8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. > >9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. > >10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." > >11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" . > >12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,. > >13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. > >14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.