some of these were new to me so i thought id share enjoy When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery." The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you." Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Chuck Norris says. Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends". The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof. Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Jeep. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Careful, he might sue. I don't like Chuck Norris anymore, not after what he did p.s. jokes are funny as always
Chuck sued a book that was published full of all chuck norris jokes. Because it was misleading and he didn't like it.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
watch some chuck norris movies and ull c that he just does all this crazy stupid stuff and somehow it works out. roundhouse kicking everyone
chuck norris broke the world land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and rear tire Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. # Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. # Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. # When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. # Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick. Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris" Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe. Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel. If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors. chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy. Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist. Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone. They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick." In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep. Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter. When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.
